I've never felt so ghetto.

Girl: We were a foot away from a Chick-Fil-A.

--Davenport

It's a delicate instrument.

(After being butt-slapped while talking to someone else)

Guy: My ass is not a toy!


--Silliman Dining Hall

Zombie crime is at an all time high.

Girl looking for stolen car: What if someone used it to move a dead body? I have a premonition that there is a body in my car. I'll admit, it may be alive. It may in fact be driving the car.


--Orange St.

Kiss me, you animal!

Guy 1: I'm not a pregnant woman.
Guy 2: And I didn't shit in your bed.
Guy 1: Okay, that makes us even.


--Bingham

See! I just pooped myself!

Guy on cell: I'm too tired to sit on my ass and watch Lilo and Stitch. That's how tired I am!


--Elm St.

And ask to come over for tea.

Girl: I've never met a vagina that I didn't compliment.

--Saybrook.

I always thought there was a Five Minute rule?

Guy: Hold on a minute, let me just add this one thing..
Girl: You're seriously commenting on your own photos two minutes after you put them on Facebook? (Points at screen) SEVEN MINUTES? CHILL THE FUCK OUT!

You could almost say the stain..."reproduced". (HAH!)

Guy: Is that semen on your tights?
Girl: No, but semen does really stain, though. Like once, I found semen on a dress of mine. I wore it and hugged a lot of people.


--SY Dining Hall

Yeah, and then I accidentally licked your ear.

Guy: I think we had a moment today in Repro.
Girl: Did I accidentally touch your thigh again?


--Saybrook

Well...in order to get an "A", that is.

Yale girl 1: Wait...you had to stick something up your butt today in lab?

Yale girl 2: Yes...

--Commons

Tighten them...TO DEATH.

Professor: You can use a screwdriver to stab somebody to death, but I'd rather you use it to tighten bolts and stuff.

--Sage Hall

Beacuse that's what I call MINE.

Guy 1: You got a cash box for the money...good idea.
Guy 2: Cash box...do you think that's what a hooker calls her vagina?


--Saybrook

I love them... TO RUN OVER!!!

CT Limo driver, breaking a long silence: I love dogs!

--I-95 North

And it's jerkin off to it!!

Middle-aged airport worker to another, both pushing empty wheelchairs: Don't do that! They can see you! See that camera right there? It can see you doing that!

--Seattle-Tacoma Airport

...and first degree murders.

50-something woman walking dog, to friend: Yeah, and then Jimmy put me on his plan.
Friend: That's great.
Woman: My family has never had anything but amicable divorces.


--High St.

Today's WORD: "Wrong"

Foreign grad student: Over break I saw the show of that French guy.

Class: Who?

Foreign grad student: That guy who we watched in class before break.

Class: Steven Colbert?! (roaring laugher)

--Anthro Class

To you...it's the new JCrew catalog.

Gay Guy: Is "March Madness" basketball?


--Charlottesville, VA

It's toats cute.

Guy: There's something stuck in your ass.
Girl: It's my thong.
Guy: No...it's toilet paper flecks.


--PO

"And these are a few of my favorite things!"

Yale Girl: I'm not a pothead. I'm just ethnic.


--HI

Actually I'd prefer the former right now.

French Woman: You call it...a cock?
Yale Girl: A wine opener?
French Woman: Oh yes. Very good.


--Seaside Hotel

I'd wait and tip the angry butt monkeys.

Girl: Tip the maid? Yeah...OK. And monkeys might fly out my butt.


--Kona, HI

Then I can show her my Pokemans!!

Awkward 11-year-old boy (loudly): I hope a TEENAGE girl can sit next to me!



--Amtrak leaving DC

Titties are not to be spoken of!

Not-So-Little Girl: I'm glad I have a flat chest!
Mother: Shhhh!


--Amtrack leaving DC

You are the sunshine of my FOOT UP YOUR ASS!

Guy: Doesn't it seem a little cruel, putting Marlee Matlin on "Dancing with the Stars"?
Girl: I know. Deaf people are obviously terrible dancers. Just look at Stevie Wonder.


--Chicago

By "person" I mean "hermaphrodite"

Guy: Is she a lesbian?
Girl: I think she's just an art history person.


--Claire's

Dwarves: "Oh but WE are the ones with the element of surprise..."

Girl: ...and I'll be all like "Surprise! Dwarves exist!"


-- Westchester, NY

If I was Portia DeRossi, maybe.

Yale Girl: I have a really long tongue.
Professor: That's a good thing!

Nah, I'm Jewish.

Yale girl (loudly): Hey! I found the sausages!...oh, I'm sorry I yelled in your ear.
Old Man: It's OK...they're exciting, aren't they?


--Grocery Store

But...there are toilets?

African girl: I'm African! I can teach you how to pee in the woods!


--HI

All this talk makes me crave a calzone.

[About anal sex]
Straight guy: It's really good. It's hot and cold at the same time.
Gay guy: I've heard vaginas are really warm.


--EW Center

Also, what's a clitoris?

Theater Virgin: Are you supposed to clap between acts at a play? I know you don't clap between movements at a concert.
Classical Music Virgin: Really? I'm always standing up and screaming the whole time when I go to concerts.


--Yale Repertory Theatre

Bring on the gay porn actors, though.

Guy: After the conversation we had at dinner last night, my awkward pre-frosh asked me if you'd peed in your bed.

Girl #1: Ha. What did you say?

Guy: The truth: "No, she peed in someone else's bed."

Girl #2: We probably scared him away.

Guy: It's OK. We really don't need more awkward people at Yale.


--Calhoun

You know what else kills birds? Cats. And you're a total pussy.

Professor: I must say, Harvard's half time show was better, with the beheading of the bulldog and the balloons for blood.
S.T.E.P. Coordinator Student: No! Their half time show was NOT better! Birds are gonna die from those balloons!


--Grove and Temple St.

Crouching naked in dark alleys is not nearly that badass.

Rower #1: I'm so much faster than he is! My times are way better!
Rower #2: Dude, technology lies all the time...ever see Terminator?


--Derby, CT

Boooooooooooooring.

Grad Student: So your last name was hyphenated way back?
Undergrad Girl: Yeah, it had to do with, like, slavery and shit.


--Hilo, HI

And it rocked hardcore.

Girl: My boyfriend sucked my nipples so hard that I started producing baby milk.


--Oahu, HI.

By that I mean he doesn't give head. Boo.

Girl: (Sigh) I mean, I really like him, but he doesn't support universal health care!


--Old Campus

Dude, you're from ANN ARBOR?

Guy: "I would have wanted to be a policeman [at the 1968 Democratic National Convention]. It was probably a huge rush. Ya' know, beating hippies."


--Saybrook

I'll drown you in tahini sauce.

Drunk Roommate: Eat the baklava or I'll kill you. (slams door)


--The Elmhurst

Note: Avoid Paris.

Tourist: Wow! I feel like we're in Paris!


--Outside SML

MY kind of 11-year-old.

Girl: My gynecologist told me that she knew when she was 11 that she wanted to be a gynecologist. What 11-year-old thinks "I wanna look at vaginas all day."


--The Elmhurst

That lovely island. Island of tonguing with sleazes.

(Drunk girl is hitting on Puerto Rican townie. He walks away momentarily.)

Drunk Girl to friend: I heard Puerto Ricans like to eat pussy. I know that sounds racist but...."

(He returns. She continues.)


--Outside BAR

Plus, no way that discharge is the clap!

Yale Girl: The only upshot to no one wanting to have sex with me is that I'm three days late but know for certain I'm not pregnant!


--Bass Library Cafe

But my most winning trait is my honesty.

Girl #1: Are you still drunk?
Girl #2: No... I'm just stupid.


--Bingham

That, or I just snorted too much Adderall.

Yale Guy: I don't have to study, I'm just so fucking smart.

--Dport Dive

Literally. It's too big. You'd fall in.

Guy: He's too much of an asshole to be a bottom.


--Trumbull Dining Hall

Sent using http://www.sendanonymousemail.net...how mysterious.

Supplies, bitch!

Half-Asian Girl: No! My mom says it like this!

Asian Girl: I have two Asian parents to your one Asian parent! I win!

--Commons

They dead now.

Girl: My Dad made me wear a SARS mask the whole time on my flight to China and I was the ONLY person wearing one.


--The Elmhurst

Reason #47 to always go commando.

Girl #1: Do you wanna smoke?
Girl #2: I dunno. I have to get my laundry out of the dryer...
Girl #1: What?
Girl #2: Well, I always picture people sniffing my underwear.
Girl #3: It's true. She talked about it earlier.
Girl #1: I have this really intense fear about it.


--The Elmhurst

Manos de monos!? Hot.

Guy #1: Tengo 16 monos en mis pantalones.
Guy #2: You have 16 hands in your pants?
Guy #1: 16 monos: monkeys.
Guy #2: I thought you said manos--hands.
Guy #1: Manos means hands? Great! I can name a number of different things in my pants!


--TD Butt

Better than this?

Girl (showing her driver's license): I'm an organ donor.
Guy 1 (showing a FL driver's license): I was an organ donor on my Virginia license.
Guy 2: You lost your virginity on you driver's license?!
Guy 1: What?!
Butt worker: Best picture EVER!


--TD Butt

And you'll have to give him that blowjob to get it.

Girl (looking at buttery menu): I want a blowjob for $2...and some whale semen.
Guy (seriously, without looking up): That's $50 for the whale semen.


--TD Butt

There's a first time for eveything.

Guy: Want to go to A1?
Whiny Girl: Ugh... that means I have to wear clothes!

Oh...ohh...ohhh. SHAZAMM!

Strange Boy: Where are you from?
Girl: Australia.
Strange Boy: Wait do you have kangaroos?
Girl: Yeah hopping around in my backyard-
Strange Boy: Do you ride them to school? In...what are those things called?
Girl: In their pouches?
Strange Boy: Yeah.
Girl: Well, you can't, really...the pouches are for the fetuses, they're covered in mucus.
Strange Boy: Well have you seen the mucus?
Girl: No
Strange Boy: Have you touched the mucus?
Girl: What the fuck?
Strange Boy: Have you tasted the mucus?
(After assessing that Strange Boy is in fact not joking, Girl gets up and leaves...quickly)


--Farnam

How does it feel to have a faux talent?

Gay Boy: OMG I love your shoes!
Girl wearing BALLET FLATS: (moronic giggle) THANKS! Yeah I feel like a ballet person in them...


--Commons

Or that extra slim tampon that gave me toxic shock.

Girl 1: [Talking about paisley pattern on the inside of new sneakers] Shame you can't see it...
Girl 2: But..
Girl 1 and 2: You know it's there!
Girl 1: Don't you love that feeling?
Girl 2: Yeah...just like the underpants I'm not wearing...


--Farnam

Bring me a milkshake and Season 4 of Sex and the City!

(Guy answers phone on speakerphone)

Drunk Girl: *Matt- I need you to come over!
Gay Boy: What's up? Why?
Drunk Girl: I'm really drunk and I'm fully clothed and lying on my bed.
Gay Boy: You need help getting your clothes off don't you...
Drunk Girl: ...uh-huh.
Gay Boy:...(sigh) okay, I'll be right over.


--Farnam

The teaching of the Buddah meet Mr. Clean

Drunk Boy: Give me a hug!
Drunk Girl: But I'm covered in urine!
Drunk Boy: Give me a hug anyway - we transcend urine!


--Pierson Bathroom

OK...my second favorite.

Stoned Girl: Hey *Jenny! I have to show you my favorite koala fight!
Suitemate: Your FAVORITE?


--Farnam Suite

Wait, your left or mine?

Foreign Gay Boy: Okay I was in this lecture today, and I learnt that there are three areas of pleasure in the women's vagina-
Girl: Actually there are three but two in the vagina-
Foreign Gay Boy: Wait you have three vaginas??
Girl: No-(sigh)-*Max
Foreign Gay Boy: Wait okay. Which of the three vaginas do you insert your penis into?
Girl: Wait MY penis??
Foreign Gay Boy: Answer the question.
Girl: *Max that sentence was so ungrammatically correct that I don't think I can.
Foreign Gay Boy: Okay let me rephrase. Which of your three vaginas does your potential sexual partner insert his penis into?
Girl:...Uh-
Foreign Gay Boy: Or her penis, to be politically correct.
Girl: *MAX WHAT THE FUCK?!?!
Other Gay Boy: The left one.


--Commons

I really hope she called me a sausage...

Gay Boy answers phone on speaker: Hello?
Girl: FUCK YOU.
Gay Boy: Not allowed. Wait did you just call me a sausage?
Girl: (hangs up)


--Acapella Tour

Margaret: But GOD, I still don't understand why my hoo hoo is bleeding!?

(Girl cries. Boy appears out of nowhere.)

Girl: I'm sad.
Boy: Would you like to see a magic trick?
Girl: Uh...okay...
Boy: (produces 5 cards) Pick a card...(magic trick ensues)
Girl: Wow that was amazing!
Boy: Made you smile, didn't it?

(Boy disappears into thin air, Girl bewildered)

--TD Suite

Uh, because of people like you.

Guy (in all seriousness): Not only is she a Democrat, but she's a WOMAN! Why the HELL would you vote for HER?


--Dport Dining Hall

I gave you my number. Why didn't you call me?

Guy: Do you remember me?

Waitress: Uh...your face looks a little familiar...

Guy: I was the one who vomited in the bathroom!

Waitress: Oh ya...you're looking a lot better...

--A1

Plus the excitement of freaking out about late periods.

Boy: Shouldn't we get her laid?
Girl 1: No, I'm a virgin till marriage!
Girl 2: Do you know what you're missing out..?
Girl 1: No
Girl 2: A lot of awkward situations but a lot of great nights.


--France?

And I can stab myself in the ear!

Professor: See, I can rap!

My name is *Chris and I'm here to say

I am going to rap today

A rip rap, rip rip rap

Rip rap rippidy dooo!

--Stat Lab

Or are you Jewish?

Yale guy, on cell phone, next to a real baby pig: Ya, come down, we're playing with the pig.

--Old Campus

For my husband to drive them around in.

Yale girl: I want six kids. Ya. I want to be able to fill a mini-van.

--Dport Dining Hall

He has the hairiest feet ever.

Drunk Guy: I'm gonna go text message "Shire Baggins"...I have him in my phone as "Shire Baggins".


--Outside Toad's

NO!?....

Girl: Never have I ever took a class at Yale!


--Vivas