Her general knowledge of STDs was astounding!

Football Player #1: So your Mom came to Porn in the Morn. I bet that was fun.
Football Player #2: Uh...yeah.

It's all fun and games until you find YOURSELF on Gay Street.

Professor (discussing a map): ...and out of this roundabout comes Gay street, running to the Northwest.

Girl (snickering): Gay street.

One must always placate bitter radioactive people.

Undergrad #1: I'm going to laugh at you when you have cancer.
Undergrad #2, cheerfully: Thanks!


--Slifka Dining Hall

The things strangers will pay you to do these days.

Girl 1: Where did you get the children?
Girl 2: Craigslist.


--Off Campus

"Blw chnks in my hr. FML"

Drunk Girl: So text me after you throw up, then.
Drunker Girl: Yeah, okay, I'll text you right after.


-- Branford Basement

I haven't laughed that hard since that tornado last year.

Girl, to her friend: Oh my god, wasn't the fire the other night funny?

--Saybrook Dining Hall

Now that Mory’s is closed…

White student to group of “ethnic” students: We should all go to our respective ethnic restaurants!
“Ethnic” student: Then where would you go?


--Wall St.

Will you be the deaf one or...?

Girl: Are you doing anything tomorrow?
Guy: I might splurge for a 10-piece McNuggets followed by deaf sex.


--Rudys

Then I be listenin' to This American Life so I can picture Ira Glass!

Durfees Employee #1: I hate when he comes in here talkin', he don't go away, but I heard he got a big dick.
Durfees Employee #2: For real?
Durfees Employee #1: Whatever, he talks too much. Maybe cuz he got a big dick, I'd do it, but I'd have to put a mask on him so I could be on him while thinking of someone else.


--Durfees

Plus, if you're lucky, you become an empty shell of a person.

Bro 1: Imagine if your job was to just take ecstasy and fuck all day?
Bro 2: Yeah, that's called being a pornstar.

That's why I'm an art major. Tomorrow I'm making Spin Art with my poop!

Boy 1: You ready for that computer science test?

Boy 2: Well, you see, the problem with computer science tests is that it's like they're just testing your IQ on computer science. Like, they want to see how much you know about the stuff they're testing you on.

--Rosenfeld Hall

That's why I hang out with you guys.

Undergrad: Being with other smart people isn't really what makes me happy.


--YLS dining hall

Not as much as I love punchasizing your face.

On Lollipop by Lil' Wayne.

Freshman Girl: So like, is it shawty wanna thug or fuck?
Freshman Boy: Hmm, don't you just love analyzing the semantic subtleties of ebonics.

I hear it's pretty gay-sexist, too.

Random freshman: If the bible hadn't been gender-racist, Gabrielle would have meant something.

Now, let's be honest. Who's REALLY the piece of shit in this situation?

[Sake bomb prematurely explodes]

Guy: You piece of shit! That's Brook's Brothers!

I'll watch her dance, though. Yeah. Just dance!

Lax Player: What are you doing tonight, Bro?
Roommate: Getting laid.
Lax Player: Gonna lower your standards are you? I bet you bring home a fat, ugly girl with STD's.
Roommate: Ewww dude, I would never hook up with a fat girl.


--SY

And start rubbing FRONTS.

Art Gallery Guide: Stop rubbing butts by the tea hut!

Party CANCELLED.

Freshman Guy #1: Oh, there's lube packets in with the condoms.
Freshman Guy #2: But that's not enough lube for a lube wrestling party!

...a slut. She gave head to a lot of snakes...if you know what I mean.

Art history professor: ... and this painting is a lesser-known Caravaggio, depicting, on an actual shield, the severed head of...

[Door to lecture hall opens. 20 students walk in and begin making out -- up against walls, on the floor. Clothes are removed, moaning noises heard. This continues for a solid five minutes, interrupted only by the nervous/appreciative laughter of students in the lecture. Finally, kissers exit.]

Professor (not missing a beat):...Medusa, who as we know from the myth of Perseus was...
Class: [Applause]

It's never a big deal until the Hepatitis C

Guy: You know those kinds of Professors who like to give you a bad grade on your first paper so it can seem like you improved for the second one.
Girl: Yeah, those are the Shelly Kagan types
Random Freshman, interrupting: Shelly Kagan is God!
Girl: Oh. Well, that's how it happened with my papers.
Random Freshman: I didn't have that problem. It's probably because my TA wanted to fuck me. She was an Eastern European porn star. No big deal.


--Squiche

I will put your head in any sort of execution device, though.

Prof: Do we have someone who’s willing to talk about the case? Some budding litigator who’s willing to put their head on the guillotine? On the academic guillotine…
Student: I was willing before you started talking like that.

--YLS

And yet she owns my heart.

Boy: See, I'd rather be stupid because if you're fat or ugly you just can't do anything with that.
Girl: Yeah, pretty people can get somewhere in life even if they're stupid.
Boy: But I'd rather be fat than ugly. Like, you can be fat and still be pretty in terms of the face.
Other Girl: I know someone who's fat, stupid, and ugly. I hate her. She goes to Q-Pac.


--Commons

And eat Chik-fil-a.

Dude 1: If I were Michael Phelps, I'd do nothing wrong, swim really fast, and make millions of dollars.
Dude 2: Really? If I were Michael Phelps, I'd just slam box all day.

OK. So here's an image from the New York Times coverage of the Grammys. Very nice. Katy Perry singing "I Kissed A Girl." Excellent. Haven't heard that one enough.

Painful overplaying aside let's search this performance for another problem...


There it is!
Check out that pose! I don't get it. Is it OK because she's Asian? Miley Cyrus isn't allowed to do it so why is anybody else?


(Image from NYTimes.com)

Better, but not quite.

Girl: Of course I was dressed like a retard geisha.
PC Guy: Uh, the word retard...not to be used.
Girl: Sorry. Retarded geisha.


--The Elmhurst

Unlike, for instance, Type II Diabetes

Little Boy: McDonalds is better...McDonalds is clutch.


--The Educated Burger

8x10 glossies and everything.

Lax Player: I went to Pompeii, and you should see some of the photos on the walls in their whorehouses!


--SY

Don't you mean a dingleberry 'COOPERATIVE'.

Girl: We should start a dingleberry plantation.


--The Elmhurst

Hold me closer.

Drunk athlete, in his sleep: It's freezing, Mr. Bigglesworth.


--Zeta

It was the perfect ending to a fairytale evening.

Incredulous Girl: And then, like, my shirt fell off...


--Commons

Jerk it like there's no tomorrow.

Guy, quizzically: What do objectivsts do when they get depressed?
Girl: Same thing as they always do....

We're got the homeless people but we're missing the scenery.

Japanese Tourists: How do we get to Central Park? Central park? Downtown?
Yale Guy: Uh...


--Prospect St.

Michael Phelps' motivation has a long and tortured history.

Little Boy: Mom, I really don't wanna go to my swim lesson!

Mom: C'mon...it will be fun and you always like it when you get there.

Little Boy: I already said I didn't wanna go! I'm not going!

Mom: Now, honey, I never had swim lessons when I was your age and I know that they're important for your safety. I wish that someone had taught me how to swim.

Little Boy (screaming): I don't care! I'm not going and you can't make me!

Mom: FINE! JUST FINE! I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL SOMETHING HAPPENS AND YOU SEE MOMMY DROWN! THAT'S RIGHT! YOU'RE GONNA WATCH YOUR MOTHER DIE!

Little Boy: [Cries]


--Philadelphia, PA

It's got greasy fingers, that's all I know!

(Woman orders a huge family sized assortment of chicken by herself)

Cashier Lady: Is that for here or to go?
Woman: What the fuck, you think I'm gonna eat that all myself?
Cashier Lady: Bitch, I don't know your life!


--KFC

Just like God.

TA: So what are the advantages of giving cows Human Growth Hormone? Well, there's less poop...and in the world today, there's too much poop...poop is a huge problem, you know. Poop is everywhere.


--Issues Approach to Biology Section

And after the nothing we'll stumble around GHeav.

Girl #1: So, we're not doing anything tonight, then?
Girl #2: Yeah, but we're pregaming the nothing that we're doing.

Just for that, I'm not even going to section today.

Lax player: Can't believe I'm buying all these shitty books...never going to read them.
Disgruntled Labyrinth worker, sighing: ...Future leaders of the free world...
Lax player: ...Fuck you.


--Labyrinth

Overheard at Yale Vocab

Franzy: A gay guy drunk on cheap wine.

Now THAT book I would buy from Oprah.

Guy: We can just not tell the girls that we're getting free rent and then you'll get two months of rent from them.
Girl in Background: Secrets of the Jew.


--The Elmhurst

Why don't we just try lubing up the previous example?

Professor: Or what about an even tighter example: Let's take female genital mutilation.
[Minutes later, presumably having realized what was said earlier]
Professor: Well, maybe not a tighter example, just a more uncomfortable one.

Overheardeverywhere.com

We made it onto OverheardEverywhere.com again!

Keep the Overheards coming, guys!

Is that when Uncle Ted played doctor with you?

Obnoxious Girl: Yeah, I've been pre-med since the age of eight, basically.


--High St.

I'm hopped up on Hope!

Young Guy: Are you guys from Ohio by any chance?
Old Lady: What?
Young Guy: I'm looking for a bus from Ohio.
Old Lady: Oh, no. Sorry.
(Young Guy leaves)
Old Lady: I thought he asked if we get high by any chance?
(Everyone laughs)

--Washington D.C., Inauguration Day

Do you want a falafel to the face?

(Two waitresses are looking at a picture of hugely obese dead bodies)
Waitress #1: Yeah, it's kinda weird.
Waitress #2: My boyfriend is into fat chicks.
Waitress #1: Oh really?
Waitress #2: Yeah, his last girlfriend was a fat chick.
(The manager walks up and starts poking Waitress #2)
Waitress #2: What? You thought I forgot I work here? Stop it! Stop it! Help! I'm being poked by an A-Rab!


--Mamouns

Judge not lest ye be smacked.

(Yale girl is walk-of-shaming in the early morning)

Entire bus of elementary schoolers: You ugly as FUCK!
Man in car waiting behind them, embarrassed: Good morning to you.


--Trumbull St.

Which one are you, again?

Nerd: Obviously you don't know the difference between the living dead and zombies so I am going to dismiss your statement.


--Horror Film Seminar

And it's YOUR fault I'm lactating to begin with.

Hungover Girl: It's really awkward he keeps crossing the physical boundary. He hugged me like four times before I even got up the stairs...
Gay Friend: You can't say anything about it until he touches your fanny.
Hungover Girl: Oh, so if he sucked my nipples I'd have to stay quiet would I?
Gay Friend: I suck your nipples all the time!
Hungover Girl: But that's different - that's because I'm breastfeeding you.


--Dining Hall

And sometimes butt rape is just, like, an occurence.

Bro-ish Yalie (totally sincere): You know, sometimes bleeding out of your asshole is just, like, a problem.


--Cross Campus