That's quite a cocktail, no?

Graduating Senior: Well, that was terrible. It was all Jesus and neo-liberalism.


--On President Levin's Baccalaureate Address

As soon as I hit puberty I'll show you!

12-year-old Brat: I'm a beast at almost everything!
Guy: Bestiality?

Your point?

Graduating Senior #1: I feel like the coolest fucking person in the world!
Graduating Senior #2: Yeah!
Townie: Actually y'all both faggots.


--Toad's

I see your point.

Drunk Guy #1: Friend is a four letter word.
Drunk Guy #2: It's not.
Drunk Guy #1: But still.

We did. He ate it all. Didn't even share.

Drunk guy #1: Bring me a plate of scrapple with Grey Poupon.
Drunk guy #2: What?
Drunk guy #1: I'm not kidding!

Yet another reason graduation sucks.

Girl: So they gave me a rape kit and put me on all this prophylactic medication including anti AIDS drugs.
Guy: Didn't that make you really sick?
Girl: Yeah.
Guy: Isn't that really expensive.
Girl: Yeah. I bursared it.

It did.

Guy (looking at a kite in the air): It looks like a gay sperm army.

Beaches: Nice to look at, deadly to touch.

Guy: Why don't you sleep on the beach?
Girl: No, that would be gross.
Girl #2: Yeah, you would die.


--Myrtle

Either way it goes well with milk.

Girl: My vagina is tight like a Cheerio.
Guy: It's more like a small doughnut hole.

At least it won't be sifting through my garbage anymore.

Girl: My vagina looks like a dead raccoon.

And get rid of all the shake?

Homeless Guy: Life just keeps on going. You've got to let it into your heart and sift on through it like a fine cake!

Worst...Bounty...Ad...Ever

Guy #1: Ah man, I got cum in my computer keyboard!
Guy #2: Oh no!
Guy #1: It took an hour to wipe off!

That includes watching "Failure to Launch" on cable.

Guy: Did you pee yourself on the lawn!?
Girl: Twice. It was the best thing I did all day.

You know you're at myrtle when...

(Girl walks into her hotel room at 4:30AM)

Gay Guy: I'm naked in your bed.


--The Avista

And dust off my anal beads!

Freshman girl: I'm done with finals! I can finally shave my legs again! And make out with my boyfriend!


--Outside WLH

Can you smell what the Prof is cooking?

Professor: In law school, what we teach is the art of bullshit. We, as professors, try to model that.


--YLS

And then I must DRAW it!

Unseen small child: I have to go to the bathroom! I have to make a peepee and a poopie. At the same time!


--Fitting Room, NYC

His diploma ceremony was a scream.

Girl: I knew this guy in high school named Yonuts Poupazon and on the school roster his name read "Poop is on yo' nuts."



--Wall St.

In Soviet Russia musicals enjoy you!

Girl: I want to watch another Stalinist musical.
Guy: I'm no help there.
Girl: But I've already seen them all!


--Film Study Center

Paula's Home Cooking! with Paula Deen

Starring: Tyler Fischer

Created by: Joseph Babarsky, Jon Fischer and Tyler Fischer

It's an ancient Chinese secret?

Korean Freshman: Wait, so what's the Sabbath?
Jewish Freshman: Don't worry about it, *Kwan. It's like Confucius.

He's my Venus. He's my fire.

Girl on cell: Yes, *Karen and *Anna couldn't figure it out either, we had to ask my friend *Paul.

(pause)

Girl on cell: I know, he had such beautiful legs!

Actually, Jeeves, yes you are.

Man with patrician British accent to 10-year-old boy: I'm not here to be a patron to your whims.

From the Guide to Dating Men Who Smell Bad

Two almost middle-aged, slightly nerdy men are walking down Chapel St.

Man: Well, she's not comfortable with it as yet, but her ultimate fantasy is... in the shower.

I meant a study break...like coffee.

Girl: OK, well I'll call you from the stacks if I want to take a study break.
Boy: Yeah! I've always wanted to have sex in the stacks! We can even go in a weenie bin. I'll show you my weenie in a weenie bin!