Plus once I found a horse head in my bed.

Girl: Well I wasn't convinced that my family was actually in the Mafia until I finally saw our family seal.
Guy: You guys actually have a family seal?
Girl: Yeah, it shows this hand kind of reaching out to grab something else on the other side of the circle
Guy: Grabbing what?
Girl: A bloody dismembered hand.


--Starbucks

Michael Jackson defies all labels

Girl: Now is that a really gay thing or is that a really black thing?


--Orleton Court

There can NEVER be another.

Homeless Guy: I've had three heart attacks! Another one and I'll be just like Michael Jackson.


--Chapel Street

You couldn't?

Straight Guy: Could you imagine being 44 years-old and never having had a dick inside you?


--The Elmhurst

Just keep them away from sharp objects.

Old Lady: Everyone's playing the handheld game. The PCP game.


--Amtrak Regional

Shut up or I'll scalp you.

Guy: Why do you have the entire Last of the Mohicans soundtrack on your iPod? That's the real question.


--The Elmhurst

Turns out it's not.

Guy: I was thinking it'd be funny to bic a dog.

He's clearly sake-bombed

Guy #1: This literally smells like shit.
Girl: It's delicious! It's soy sauce.
Guy #2: He was trying to use it as a mixer.


--Lynwood

The market hasn't peaked yet!

Guy: We're going to go sell two rottweilers right now!
Bouncer: Don't do that.


--Rudy's

It's A-OK!

Girl: Sorry I wet your underwear.
Guy: ...


--Irish Pub

I fucked a mermaid!

White Guy: And she's black. She could suck the chrome off the back of a boat. I CANNOT wait.

Heh..."Twitter"

Guy: Clitoral stimulation? There's an app for that!

Uh, Sotomayor's confirmation?

Drunk Guy: I'm fingering an 18-year-old. What's more important than that right now?

MINI Post-It!

Woman: He broke up with me via Post-It!

No, like "born" born...out of the womb.

Skater guy: I was born again in a Dunkin' Donuts.
Girl with posse: What does that mean? We're all Jews here.


--College Street

Well you SHANT have them.

Sober 30-year-old woman: I want nuggets! I want nuggets!


--Temple Grill

Hot damn!

Guy: That's awesome. That's, like, child abuse.


--The Elmhurst

I bleed sweet tea, motherfucker.

Northern Girl: I always think of West Virginia as one big coal mine.
Southern Guy: Yankee bitch!


--The Elmhurst

That...I did not know.

Guy: You know you don't get worker's comp right now.
Girl: You know your oysters were on my titties!

Funny how that works.

Girl: I'm good at spelling. Except some words. I can't spell them.

Genesis of the Flying Spaghetti Monster?

Girl: I'm making pasta. I HAVE to be ovulating.

Is it too soon to make an Andrea Yates joke?

Lady to three small children: It's so wet outside. It's like you're underwater but you're not.

Secret plan to keep all the wine to myself: Successful

Girl: I left a bottle of wine in the freezer for two long and then sat on it to thaw it and nobody wanted to drink it.

Overstressing a bit, no?

Girl #1: My friend is in fucking Disney World! I don't get this!
Girl #2: Why is he is Disney World?
Girl #1: I don't KNOW!

How can you be sure?

Girl: I am the blackout queen but I do not throw up.


--Marius