Now make me call you "Mommy"!

Drunk Guy: Show your tits! Show your tits!
Drunk Girl: I'll show you my panties! (Shows panties)
Drunk Guy: ...Show your butt hole!


--Whalley

Except now there's less chafing.

Guy 1: Hey, I just started a blog.
Guy 2: Holy crap man, you've posted 6 times on your first day.
Guy 3: Jesus, you're like the little kid who just learned how to jack off.


--Old Campus

Is cheese a carb?

Girl staring at sign that says "Cheese Calzone": Do these have cheese in them?


--Silliman

To be my dream woman, that's why.

Father, looking at a brass bust: That's a naked lady with no head and no arms and no legs.

4-year-old daughter: Why?

--Yale Art Gallery

Brad always yearns for an "emotional" connection.

Guy: It's hard for me to feel sexually stimulated by someone who doesn't give me head.


--Commons

I'll bet the weird little raccoon could.

(while singing "Colors of the Wind" from Pocahontas)

Girl 1: I bet this song is about sex.
Girl 2: Yeah, John Smith couldn't find the clit.


--Elmhurst

Let's go watch American Psycho. AGAIN!

Guy #1: Yeah rich people doing coke!
Guy #2: That's what Yale's ABOUT!


--High St.

I'd be just like Gary Busey

Girl: If I had a big dick I would go around flashing little girls and peeing on people.
Guys: You can't do that.
Girl: Yeah, but just for a day.


--The Elmhurst

That's a dubious euphemism for "desirable men"

Girl #1: I'm gonna shower.
Girl #2: I feel like I should shower more often.
Girl #1: Don't talk crazy now.
Girl #2: You're right...at least it keeps the witches away.


--Saybrook

Would that make me bi?

Yale guy: So if I was having sex with Jamie Lee Curtis...

--Dport Dining Hall

Reach for the stars, betch.

Yale Girl: I want cantaloupe in melon form.


--The Elmhurst

She even sold me a flower!

Friend from home: I just made out with my first black chick!
Yalie: Oh, how was it?
Friend from home: It was AWESOME!


--Outside Toad's

Michael Scott Goes Back to College

Foreign girl describing life in the States: I don't know... everything here just moves faster and people are always running around. Things come in larger sizes... it's just faster and bigger.
Guy: That's what she said!

- SSS 114

Rihanna: "At least not without a condom."

Guy: You can't fade out at "come into me."


--Silliman

The night Jenny's going-out beauty ritual took a turn for the worst.

Yale Girl #1: Aw, you look so cute in this picture...

Yale Girl #2: Which one?

Yale Girl #1: The one where you look like you're on crack.

--Davenport

Tiger Woods confounds yet again.

Girl: Is he Asian? This black guy?


--Elm St.

A movie franchise jumps the shark.

Girlfriend: You gon' get served, bitch...from the afterlife!


--Elm St.

And whoever did it deserves a Nobel Prize!

Drunk guy: Oh my God, you guys. I think someone put alcohol in that alcohol.


--Freshman Dorm (I assume)

The password... to your mom

8pm text message from unknown number: The password is 'poopsicle.'

Bush's foreign policy takes another misstep.

Guy, loudly: That's what I want to do. I want to fuck a Russian and bury an Asian. That would be ideal.


--Outside GHeav

Never a cause to celebrate.

Guy standing with girl receives a text and screams: MICROPENIS!!!


--Lynwood

Oh THAT explains New Jersey.

Professor's 3-year-old son: All the dinosaurs live in a different state, where people don't live, because if they saw them, they'd be scared.

--Brewester Hall

And it's why I'm hot.

Professor's 3-year-old son: This is the number poop.

--Brewster Hall

And a lot of feathers.

Same Yale Girl: So remember how that one time I woke up with a quesadilla in my bra? On Saturday I had, like, a really drunk night and I woke up with four chicken strips in my purse.


--The Elmhurst

Do bears shit in the Pope's hat?

Foreign Grad student: Is Yale really a big deal in the US?


--Anthro class

Except for me and Spencer. That's "experimenting".

Freshman on phone to long distance girlfriend: It's still cheating if you do it in the butt!


--Swing Space

All I feed mine is pork rinds.

Girl on phone: She probably thinks crocodiles eat rocks...


--Silliman

Maybe 'twine' aint fine but a thong is never wrong.

Poet #1 in a workshop about Poet #2's description of a thong: I just feel like "twine" is the wrong word...
Poet #2: She was wearing the wrong underwear!


--College Seminar

A life perpetually cursed with "Mambo No. 5" is a life not worth living.

Woman: There's like a million songs in the world. Why do I always gotta hear this one?

--Donaldson Commons

Applied Physics for 4th Grade Hooligans

(Professor is holding a parabolic antenna)

Professor: So the only thing this is really good for it putting some paper on its focal point, taking it outside and pointing it at the sun and the paper BURSTS into flame. It's an awful lot of fun.


--Dunham Labs

But does your jacket HAVE to be made of bludgeoned kittens?

Gay Guy: I'm a terrible person but I look good so it's OK.


--Outside the Porn Debate

And we know where to go for a nice hot tomato.

Girl from Jersey, to her mother, looking at "Louis Lunch": Oh look! That place says "Lunch"! We should go there for lunch.

--Line for the Real World Auditions.

I'm taking my B-cups to A1!

After Yorkside worker allows several QPac girls to cut in line while in "porn star" outfits after Toad's:

Yale guy: I guess my tits aren't big enough to order a pizza here...


--Yorkside

Can I get a towel, though?

Guy: (Multiple moaning orgasm sounds from within a booth)
Staff:....
Staff Member: You OK in there?
Guy: Oh, yeah. Sorry. There was a guy being gored by a bull.

(starts moaning again 5 minutes later)


--Film Study Center

The old "Korean Professor" tactic.

Qpac Girl 1 (to Susan Block, Sex Week personality): Hi, nice to meet you.
Susan: Hi girls, where are you from?
Qpac Girl 2: Oh, we go to Yale.
Susan: Really? That's great, what college are you in?
Qpac Girl 2: Oh, we don't decide that until Junior year.
Susan: No, I mean what college do you live in?
(awkward pause)
Qpac Girl 1: We go to Quinnipiac!
(both girls run away)


--The Lily's Pad

We should just apply to Harvard instead.

Guy from Boston: I heard that less people get on the Real World than get into Harvard, and Harvard's admit rate is like 9%! So we're probably not going to get on...

--Outside BAR

Specifically, it's Djibouti.

Woman: Michigan is a different country.

--Publick Crap

She's from Michigan.

Jersey Girl: Omg. I love your shoes. A foreign girl at my work has them.

--Crown St.

And put away those anal beads! YES YOU!

PA Announcement: To all adults. Please keep your hands in your pockets. There are children here. Please conduct yourself accordingly.


--South Station, Boston, MA

Awkward, tedious, and yet strangely boring.

Girl; I always imagined seeing him have sex would be like watching someone play pickup sticks…
Other Girl: ….How?


--Boston, MA

You know he just wants to whack off telekinetically.

Girl: So, I wasn't going to tell anyone, but I have to tell someone…So, when I got here [boyfriend] was helping me unpack my car, and he came out and was like 'You'll never guess what I was just doing for the last hour'.
Other Girl: Shit, what was he jerking off to?
Girl: I wish. He goes 'I was practicing telekinesis. I think I almost had it'.
Other Girl: Wow.


--Boston, MA

I'd totally wear a HAT made of vibrators.

Girlfriend: I don't even understand what is so threatening about a vibrator to some people.
Boyfriend: I mean, aside from my butt.


--Boston, MA

Then salt you like a sexy slug!

1:45am text message: Girl, Ima pour cinnamon on your stomach and rub you in edamame

You touch yourselves on MY time.

Professor: Shibah! You laugh on your own time. You enjoy yourselves on your own time!


--LC

Right Mama? Please Mama? (sob)

TA, after a student walked out of section just two minutes after section began: I'm not really that bad a TA.


--ECON Section

Sign #3 Your son is straight...or transexual.

Grad student's 3-year-old son, enthusiastically and with an East-Asian accent: VA-GINA!


--Blue Line Bus

There must be a small but dedicated porn community for this.

Lab Bitch: Hey, [Chem Slut 1]...I think, uh, you have a little something on your neck.
Chem Slut 1: Ummm, thanks, S. Funnily enough, I was actually aware of that.
Chem Slut 2 (calling from the melting point machine to Chem Slut 1):
PSST! (Pulls lab coat and underlying sweater aside to reveal even larger hickey)

(Later that night, in dining hall)
Chem Slut 1: The next time Lab Bitch calls me out, I'm gonna give HER a hickey. WITH A BUCHNER FUNNEL!


--SCL
(Editor's note: I make no judgements, I just post what is sent to me. These girls sound fun though. Rawr.)

Plus she's usually my sister so I wake up crying anyway.

Guy: Whenever I have a wet dream I always nut real fast and I feel like the girl is laughing at me.


--The Elmhurst

So I had to catch. Ugh.

Guy: I had a threesome with my best friend from home and I got whiskey dick.


--The Elmhurst

Maybe if the dick is MADE of whiskey.

Girl: Whiskey dick can be a blessing in disguise.


--Elmhurst

But she's a very effective cum-dumpster.

Random guy: She's just inefficient as a human being.


--SOM

Keeping spirits low avoids revolt.

Girl, disgustedly: At least this weather is good for the peasants.


--SOM

And they have no wire hangers.

Yale girl: It never rains in New Hampshire. Ever.

--Donaldson Commons

Here I was, thinking it was a sex act.

Yalie girl 1: I didn't know Burundi was a country...

Yalie girl 2: I know, its weird isn't it?

--K2 (The Publick Crap)

Only as awkward as realizing you'll never truly please her.

Guy: How awkward would it be if you got aroused by Dr. Ruth?


--Saybrook Dining Hall

And yet I'm so 'moronic'

[in a gut QR class, people are drawing graphs]
Guy 1: Dude, this y-axis really bothers me. It's so...metaphysical.


--Dunham Labs

No, that's the E I slipped into your Coke with lime.

Girl: Dude, something's wrong with my coke.
Guy: Oh, it's Coke with lime.
Girl: I know that...I mean...I think it's making me horny.


--G-Heav

And that was the day I realized I was gay.

White guy: I saw a black guy with a Lisa Frank backpack. It was bitchin. Well, ghetto fabulous. I really wanted one for like five minutes, but then I realized that would be pretty gay.


--Wachovia Bank

Unless you're an altar boy.

Girl 1: I don't know if that guy over there is sexy.

Girl 2: It's Sunday morning, nobody's sexy on Sunday morning.

Guy: Hey, I'm sexy ALL the time, baby!

Girl 1: Sexy is if I want to give you a blow job. That doesn't happen on Sunday mornings.

--TD Dining Hall

But I BATHE in falafel.

Coach: All you do is sit around all day watching TV and eating donuts.
International Student-Athlete: I'm not American, I don't eat donuts.

Thank GOD there's a prophylactic for sex.

Yale Girl: It's great that taking a multivitamin helps to prevent a hangover, but there truly is no prophylactic for shame.


--Saybrook

Yes, my special friend. Her name is Vagina.

Yale Mom over the phone: So I used your luggage that you took to Madrid and I found your little "vibe". At first I thought it was a little flashlight and showed it to Dad and said "We can use this in Cambodia!"...then he said it wasn't a flashlight. I assume it belongs to one of your friends.


--The Elmhurst

But...but...we're married!

Guy: Wanna have sex?
Girl: No.
Guy: Wanna make love?
Girl: NO! I don't love you! Hahahahaha.


--Elm St.

The genesis of 2 Girls 1 Cup

Drunk Girl 1: No, I LOVE you too!
Drunk Girl 2: Girl, I love you so much I'd barf in your mouth!
(pause)
Drunk Girl 2: Actually, I love you so much I'd let you barf in MY mouth!


--In a bathroom on Howe St.

They're like cicadas.

Best Facebook status I've seen in a long time:

"Stuart is bumping into geishas... again. =p."

They feel the same way.

Girl: I only have four pairs of Uggs...I don't think they're that cute.


--Chai

He did. PUNK'D!

Asian Guy asks to use Girl's phone and steps outside with it

Drunk Girl, listening in: I think he's calling China on my phone!
Asian Guy: I'm not calling China on your phone.


--Chai

You'd pay $30 for that at Origins.

(Roomate enters, face sopping)

Roomate: I just tripped on the steps and flung half my cappuccino into my left eyeball. Now my head smells like coffee!


--The Elmhurst

There was this one time...but then he beamed me with a milk crate.

Text Message Conversation

Girl: I'm at the train station. A stranger tried paying for my ticket then bought me a coffee...?? I can't get away. My train is late. Awful.
Gay guy: Ahhh! This is what pepper spray is for! Unless the stranger is a cute boy...
Girl: Honey, when have you ever been able to find a cute boy in or around gun wavin' New Haven? Focus!!


--Train Station

Step #7: Disenfranchisement

Guy in 20s: Where's Lucy?
Girl in 20s (serious): She's at an AA meeting.
Guy in 20s (quietly): Oh. Hahaha!


--Entering Polling Place on Super Tuesday

Well you'd better study up for the next week, asshole.

Guy: Apparently a man becomes allergic to semen when his semen comes into contact with blood. Like after a vascectomy or testicular torsion (shudder).
Girlfriend: Wouldn't that be really easy? Like if he's "Grabbing a J" with a cut on his hand?
Boyfriend: What?
Girlfriend: You know, "Grabbing a J". You know what it is. I'm not saying it.
Boyfriend: You mean beating off? "Grabbing a J" is not a real saying. You made that up.


--The Elmhurst

And by a crew of of sweaty firemen....no?

Mid 40s Man #1: The Giants defense deserved an award last night.
Mid 40s Man #2: Yeah, Tom Brady was getting molested.
Mid 40s Man #1: Even more than by the starlets.


--Payne Whitney Gym, 4th floor exercise room

That's the muggle equivalent of the GRIM!!!!

Girl:I had a dream where Johnny Depp came to my house and kidnapped me. He took me to an abandoned warehouse and put me on the hood of a car where he fed me a shrimp salad sandwich on wheat bread.


--The Elmhurst

Did I have sex with Wolverine?

Boy, referencing three cuts on his face: I look and feel like I ran into a door last night...I probably did.


--SY Dining Hall

Is that a rhetorical question?

Guy: What are you talking about? It's Super Bowl Sunday!
Girl: Do I look like I have a penis? Seriously!?


--Leaving Toad's

That's what I was afraid of.

Girl: I'm sorry. I farted. It was appalling.
Guy: I wasn't going to notice!


--The Elmhurst