...After that I'll need to KILL some brain cells.

Roommate 1: I kind of feel like getting drunk tonight
Roommate 2: What's tonight?
Roommate 1: Wednesday.
Roommate 2: Oh...ok. I'm in.
Roommate 1: Nice, I'll get the box-wine after my neuro-biology lab.
Roommate 2: Cool. Later.


-Silliman Common Room

But he sure as hell gets chocolate. Yum.

Girl: My TA doesn't get sarcasm because he's from Belgium.


--Whitney Humanities Center

At least you have something to live for.

Guy: Lunch is the reason I get up in the morning.


--Whitney Humanities Center

Don't get me started on mime...(moan)

Guy in crowd of high-schoolers: (sexy voice) Oh yeah, YEAH. Kabuki theatre!


--Wall St.

Dare to dream!

Drunk girl: What if we were squirrels? I would MARRY you.
Drunk gay guy: What!?


--Saybrook Squiche

"Vroom, Vroom. Beep!...Oh, I gotta go."

Guy standing on the sidewalk: Sorry I didn't get back to you. I'm on the road right now so it's hard to talk on the phone.


--Old Campus

There is no "wrong", there is only "different".

40-year-old Virgin Iranian computer tech guy: You're putting it in the wrong hooooole!


--LA

Confucius say: "You're a fucktard!"

Loud Freshman 1: I wanna go to a Chinese restaurant and refuse to speak English. Just order in Chinese even if I have no idea how to pronounce the stuff. Just struggle through it.
Loud Freshman 2: Yeah man, we have to get people together and do that!


--Outside the Post Office

Magic tunnel?...A vagina?

(Yalies on the phone)
Girl: I'm seeing about this tunnel.
Guy: A puddle or a tunnel?
Girl: A tunnel. We're trying to put a robot in it.
Guy: In a tunnel?
Girl: A magic tunnel, It's not really a robot, just a camera on a stick.
Guy: Uhhh...
Girl: If I make any great discoveries I'll call you.
(click)
Guy: I can't tell if she's on drugs or not. I don't think she is.


--The Elmhurst

...And good luck.

Hobo Lady: Got any change?
Yale Girl: Nope, sorry.
Hobo Guy: Good choice! She's a crackhead!
Hobo Lady: You're a crackhead!
Hobo Guy: Awww, we're both crackheads.
Yale Girl: Uhh, good night.


--Outside Payne Whitney

Overheard at Yale: Now on a FBI Watch-List!

Yale Professor: I had Barbara Bush in class once. She was a fucking dumbass.

(Later)

Yale Professor: I'm not saying she's a horrible person. Her Dad is a horrible person--he deserves to be in jail for the rest of his life. She's just a dumbass.

(Later still)

Yale Professor: Do you remember when they [the Bushes] had their powwow up here to figure out how Barbie was going to pass her classes? And Laura chain-smoking in the Davenport common room?


--Thanksgiving Dinner

I killed you a turkey but I ated it.

Welcome back from Thanksgiving Break, everybody. Now Overheard at Yale can go back to being Yale-centric. At least for the next couple of weeks. Send me good overheards from your break, though, at overheardatyale@gmail.com.

FUN NEWS: Check out the quote from Overheard at Yale posted on overheardeverywhere.com today! We made the big time, bitches. Let's all soak it in.

Procrastinating fondly,
Joe

Is a muzzle an option?

Girl: Do y'all know where Alley Cat's is?
Guy 1: Yeah, one or two blocks that way. There's an alley.
Guy 2: DON'T FORGET TO SPAY OR NEUTER YOUR PETS!


--Richmond, VA

And yet you make me feel so comfortable.

Drunk High School Classmate Girl: Oh my God! You're a FAGGOT!
Yale Guy: Uh......yeah.


--Virginia

Oh, he obviously hasn't seen me swallow...

Mother (on phone): Your father wants you to know that that there is a new chewable form of birth control.
Daughter: What?
Mother: He was worried about you being able to swallow that pill. And it's spearmint flavored!


--Philadelphia

The tip off was when all my clothes kept slipping off.

Girl: I used fabric softener instead of detergent for a MONTH and then I realized that my clothes weren't getting clean...they were just getting slimy.


--UVA

But EVERYONE'S eyes were red so it was OK.

Guy: What did you do in Amsterdam?
Girl: I went to the Anne Frank House high.


--Charlottesville, VA

He used me like a dreidle.

Girl: I got finger-fucked by a Jew on Halloween while dressed at Heidi. He was dressed like a Rastafarian and I tried to buy weed off of him but then I realized he was just a nice Jewish boy named Sam.


--UVA

"And I'm in a living hell"

Girl: You know what. If we were sober this would SUCK. It would be horrible.
Guy: I am sober.
Girl: Oh SHIT.


--Outside Toads

Goodbye Horses, Hello Scabies

Townie Guy: Hey, *Ted. I'd really like to scissor you.
Yalie: What?
Townie Guy: I have a GREAT mangina.


--Outside Toads

Well thanks!!

Girl: I don't look like a slut!
Guy: Yeah, you look like a WHORE.


--Yale Bowl

The Japanese Steamroller

Freshman Guy: My awkward roommate sexiled me last night and it was disgusting.
Junior Girl: Who with?
Freshman Guy: This girl from Tokyo who speaks NO English.
Junior Girl: What did they do?
Freshman Guy: Poop on each other, I think. It smelled horrible.


--The Elmhurst

It's something about the curds.

Master's Husband: Truly, they cannot all be lesbians.
Master: Yes, a vast majority of the cheese-making population are lesbians.


--Dining Hall

Fucker M. Douche charm school, obviously.

Guy (about girl's shirt): I like your tank. Where'd you go to high school? I said I like your tank! Where'd you go to high school! BOOBS! BOOBS! Where'd you go to high school?


--Backyard of The Elmhurst

Again!?

Girl: Do you remember peeing behind a tree in the leaves?
Guy: Uhhh, we could have been arrested for public urination!
Girl: I saw your wang. You peed on my shoes.


--Yale Bowl

The answer is a resounding yes.

Girl: Yeah, I know. What do I have to do to make it?
Guy: Do I just have to blow a paraplegic? Is that it?


--On the way to the Yale Bowl

Well, what did you expect?

Artsy white guy (running and yelling in sing-song voice): No black people! No black people!


--Elm St.

Taaaaaaasty!

Gay Guy (about Flower Lady): While were gonna be having Butterballs she's gonna be having SPEEDBALLS.

--Elm St.

But very self aware.

Girl: I look like a llama. I look like a llaaaaama. I AM DRUNK!


--Elmhurst

It's not pedophilia if it's just about size!

Gayalie #1: I've gotta start with with a toddler's fist. Work my way up.
Gayalie #2: That's so un-PC!
Gayalie #1: Well, then the fist of a 10-year-old.
Gayalie #2: That's even worse. I'm not sure why.
Gayalie #1: Because the toddler has no idea what's going on!


--Chapel St.

The nuns are at it again!

Gayalie: Eat that pussy! Pay for your sins!


--Morse

I could be the next Hemingway!

Yale Guy: I'm going to go drink then do my problem set just to see how it turns out.

-Davenport Bathroom

That's two words...you must be WASTED.

Yale Girl #1: You're strange.
Yale Girl #2: No, the word is "still drunk"...


--College St.

Are they as sexy as they sound?

Professor: Any questions about man-slides?... Oh wait.


--Silliman

Deliverance?

Yale Girl (in serious voice): They hunt by day...and drink semen by night!


--Wall St.

I've been praying so hard!

Professor: The entire Gulf Coast of Texas is slipping into the sea...including Houston, thank God.


--Study session in Silliman

¿Qué?

Yalie #1 (discussing international travel): Do you speak English?
Yalie #2: Uh....


--Howe St.

Someone forgot their prozac and whiskey with lunch.

(After no one can answer a question)
Professor: Oh no, let me pull out my car keys.
(Proceeds to pull out car keys)
(Examining the keychain) Oh! I have my knife!
(Proceeds to open the keychain knife and pretends to slit his wrists then stab his gut)

-Public Opinion Class

Butt Guacamole?

Guy: All those x-ray photos of lemons in peoples' asses; those ALL come from Germany. "Oh zis avocado. I fell out of ze shower. Don't ask qvestions!"


--Howe St.

Right around my third bout of chlamydia.

Rug Doctor Employee: Oh, I've been in this house! I think I made some of those stains.



-101 Howe

Heroin in the Eyeball: The Gentleman's Drug of Choice

Frustrated Yalie: It has gotten to the point that I'd drink, smoke or snort anything.


-Morse, 4:30am

That "Secret of NIMH" chick, hot.

Girl: She looks like a rat.
Guy: I know.
Girl: Then why do you think she's cute?
Guy: Rodents are adorable.


-Lynwood

They make cheap dental dams.

(Girl 1 is rummaging around in her purse)

Girl 2: Did you lose your phone?
Girl 1: No, it's in here but I can't find it. I have so many water balloons in here...I'm not kidding.


-Elm St.

That's less than a good sign...

(Guy coughs)
Girl: Are you ok?
Guy (upset): It made my balls hurt.


-The Elmhurst

Duh, the liberals.

Girl: Why is there a lobster fetus on the floor!?


-Vivas

Remember: Do unto others as you would have them do...

Girl: And he was so dorky that he, like, mistook my ass for my vagina and he started fingering it and I was like "Oh, he's a pro" but then I realized and was like "...oh".


-Outside College Wine

Just north of France.

(After a bad round of Taboo)

Girl: Rachelle, you're an idiot! Bosnia's not in Eastern Europe. It's in Africa.


--Lake Place

McDonalds. I believed.

Jock #1 gallops down the street flapping his arms.

Jock #2: (quietly) Oh James....oh James. James, where did you learn to do magic?


-Broadway

But will it call in the morning?

(Drunk Girl is repeatedly trying to straddle a construction median with a wang-shaped handle protruding from the top)

Drunk Girl (yelling): I'm gonna fuck it! I am!...I'm really going to fuck it!


--Chapel St.

Ahhh, the clitoris. Nature's Rubik's cube.

Nerdy computer science major to nerdy friends: I had no idea what I was doing. It was like HTML on steroids.


--Pierson

Yeah, classesv2. Who knew!?

Gay guy: I just downloaded a gig of porn during that seminar. A gig! Thank god for Yale wireless.


-Trumbull

How many people are YOU with?

Guy on cell: You're topless?......Oh wow I'm in the middle of, like, five people. Whoops.


-Cross Campus

Then I found them doing it inside my mop.

Yale Fellow: I caught two mice doing the dirty on my kitchen floor. I mop that motherfucker, now.


-Elm St.

No way! That's so high school.

Girl 1: Do you have a wire hanger?
Girl 2: As long as you're not gonna... (motions to Girl 1's pelvis)


--Elm St.

And if there's another guy attached to it...so be it.

Morse Girl 1: So how do you think I should go about breaking it off with him?
Morse Girl 2: Just tell him how you really feel; you're tired of his D and you want a new one.


--Morse

...where I can bang the White Witch.

Yalie: I just want to live in a world where i can be my sketchy self, and no one cares or tells on me...that's my Narnia.


--SY

Um, you're talking to a box of Ramen.

Football Player: I have concussions. I had a lot of concussions. Can I feel your boobs?


--Gheav

Does Potter have to choke a bitch?

Young Townie: Hey! Harry Potter was smoking a FUCKING cigar.


--College and Chapel

Nah, that's just his glass eye.

Aging Townie: Were those guys your boyfriends?
Yale Girl: No they're my gay friends.
Aging Townie: I thought so but one was giving me the sick eye, like whoah!


--The Owl Shop

Who wants a ride on a Leer jet! Cha-ching!

Lady to statuesque Yalie: Here's my uncle's card. He wants you to call him. He is LOADED and he loves you.


--The Owl Shop

Yes, it's a gay joke.

Rotund townie named "Tiny": I like my ice cream out of a box and not off a stick; ya know what I mean! Yeah....yeah...


--The Owl Shop

That is SO no longer topical.

Townie Howard Dean Style: WE'RE GONNA GO TO OKLAHOMA! HWAH!!!

--Outside Toads

But no pico de gallo :(

Yale girl: Last night when I was getting ready to go to bed I was putting pajamas on and there was half a quesadilla in my bra.

--Broadway

Answer: Two pence for a proper shoe-shine!

Professor: Wake that kid up and ask him the answer...yeah, the ginger haired kid!

--Game Theory

Lesbians: Always On the Move!

Guy: You know when you rip up your room because you KNOW you have a cigarette. And you don't care if you just cleaned it you just tear it to pieces. Like a jealous lesbian looking for a love letter rips up her...U-Haul!

--The Women's Center

It was a delightful tableau

Girl: I had to go with them; they choked on the cat-shit fumes. Then they choked on the lavender spray I used to cover the cat-shit fumes.

--Lynwood

In that case it wasn't ME gagging MYSELF, obviously.

Girl: I can't make myself throw up! I have NO gag reflex.
Guy: Except for that time you threw up on *Matt's dick!
Cop Standing Close-By: (smiles)


--Elm St.

It's dedicated to Hillary Clinton erotica

Yale Girl: I think I'm addicted to porn. I've been watching so much. I just subscribed to a porn site last night.

--Morse Minitower

Who pooted in here?

Voicemail from Yale Girl: I assume you were just in our common room. I came out of the shower and I could smell you but you weren't here.

--Saybrook

A Halloween Nightmare

Drunk male dining hall services worker holding a can of beer in a paper bag to Yalie guy dressed as Gay Dumbledore.

Worker: Whooweee you good look'n!

--7pm, In front of Barnes and Noble

But dude, she looks like Pam from The Office

Yalie Guy on phone: Hey man you just hooked up with your cousin!...No YOUR cousin. You hooked up with your OWN COUSIN!


--On the way to Payne Whitney

I'm riding high on St. John's Wort.

Cranky Yalie: Do you have any prozac?
Morsel: Umm...no, I don't.

-Morse

I'm Old Gregg!

Guy: Wow, your hair seaweed seems real.
Scaly Man Fish: I know they look good!

--?

I'm already all over the Big Fucking Q.

Loud Yale Girl: I just did coke for the first time. It's awesome. I want to do it with you!

--Outside Toads

Gremlin, more like.

Roomate: Have you had enough my randy little cock-monster?

--Morse