Can you not talk about my sisters like that?

Guy #1: Dude, ugly crazy chick is uglier than crazy ugly chick.
Guy #2: Whoa!


--Trumbull Dining Hall

You should talk, your gay is showing.

(Shouted across Old Campus)

Boy: You're wearing white pants!

Girl: So?

Boy: Check the date! Is it after Memorial Day?

Girl: I'm a rebel!

And it's not even ribbed!

Commons Dining Hall Worker: It feels like I'm wearing a condom on my head, man!

Damn, those are some hot ass pants.

Guy makes a "jizz in my pants face"

Girl: Oh look, *Ben just made the "jizz on my face pants!"

Sir, it is YOU who are cool.

Yalie: So tomorrow’s Spring Fling and…uh…I’ll be coming in at 6 as usual but…I might be kind of….
Boss: Drunk?
Yalie: Yes.
Boss: Cool.

And it makes everything I say sound trite and stale...wait.

Asian Girl: I feel like college is kind of like an existential crisis.
Asian Guy: Yeah.

Picky, picky

Guy #1: Isn't urine sterile?
Guy #2: I think it is when it comes out.
Girl: But I still don't want it in my mouth!

Because I make ladies have SICK orgasms!

Girl: Did you know that your genetic makeup influences a woman's ability to have an orgasm?
Guy: I think I have some genetic disease.

His pre-behavior was divine, though.

Girl: His post behavior seemed kind of assholey.

Then I'm gonna take a dump AT YALE!

Lady on cell: I'm about to go to the post office. AT YALE!

That would clearly never happen (unless they were Mexican)

(Drivers note that Q-Pac bus is totally empty at 1AM on a Saturday)

Bus driver #1: That'd be awesome if all hundred of them got arrested.
Bus driver #2: All hundred of them? Yeah, that'd be good.


--Outside Tyco

Did I mention I'm actually a man?

Girl: I think she’s beautiful, but not attractive.
Guy: What?!
Girl: Well, she doesn’t look like she could carry a baby to full term, so my biological instincts...

I peed myself. Actually.

Prefrosh girl, in hushed tones of awe: And today I met a...a SENIOR UNDERGRADUATE!

I call it SkyNet. Nothing can possibly go wrong with it.

Guy: I just completed the first fully functional prototype of my senior project today.


--Outside WLH

You know, from "Hey Arnold!"

French Girl #1: What's your cat's name?
French Girl #2: Leon
French Girl #1: Leon? Like Leon Schwartzenegger?
French Girl #2 and all Americans in the room: WHAT?
French Girl #1: Oh, I mean Arnold.


--The Elmhurst

The new 'My Little Pony' dolls take things a bit too far.

Very White Girl (on phone): Yeah, it's one of the big black ones... a big mamma-jamma... yeah I think it could eat me.


-- Silliman

I always suspected that those online Viagra retailers had a shaky infrastructure.

Woman: I’d like to send about two hundred small packages to the Philippines.
(A minute later)
Woman: Okay. So I’m going to have to fill out 200 of these forms?


--Yale Post Office

And that's not profesh-anal.

Girl: It's a blatant mispronouncement!

Like, right now?

Drunk Guy: I would get multiple sclerosis with you.
Drunk Girl: What?

Now he's just double-wide-curious

Girl: When my brother was little he fell in love with motor homes.

More than Pinkberry, belive it or not.

Professor: There's so much bacteria in my vagina right now!


--Repro Bio

Sex must be uncomfortable.

Girl: They're together ALL THE TIME. It's like they share a heart or something!
Guy: No, man, it's like they share a...lung!
Girl: Yeah, totally! They, like, share a lung! Woah.


--Silliman

And why am I doing the Stanky Leg!?

Guy: (obviously quoting "Buy U a Drank" by T-Pain) What are the chances of you rolling with me, I'll bring you to my crib, and show you how I live?

Girl: Slimmer, now that you just said that.

Guy: Yeah, slimmer...

(Awkward Silence)

Guy: WHY do I have that song stuck in my head?


--SY Courtyard

Conquer the clitoris!

(Heard through a wall)

Yalie: Yes, put it there! Put it there! Yeah, just like that! Just like that!
(five minutes later)
Yalie: (loud moaning)
(one minute later)
Yalie: Dude! I needed you to move your archers up! You need a trebuchet. Can you build a trebuchet? Build one. And move your archers up.


--Saybrook

Good impulse.

Girl: I thought about twittering. But then I stopped thinking about it.

I think I showed him my third nipple.

Girl: So in my dream I was at Home Depot going up and down the escalators and I met Marilyn Manson. I was in the CD section. He came over and I thought “I bet I would creep out Marilyn Manson” and I did. Whatever I said I creeped him out.

AKA my spring break in Prague.

Herald Editor: I always thought the Herald comics were slightly over my head, but I recently read the comics in the YDN and felt like I had walked into a naked party where absolutely no one spoke English.

Bad Ad Showdown: Facebook vs. Google

Let's take a look:
If quitting drinking is not an option wouldn't that suggest alcoholism? At least I can "get smart" about my alcoholism.

I don't think that really holds a candle to this one:


'Nuff said.

What's your dental deductable? I'll pay it!

Drunk Guy: Hey bitch! I'll pull you through the sunroof! Your vagina has teeth! It needs braces!


--Donovan's Reef, Branford, CT

If you smoke enough weed nearly everything is.

Drunk Frisbee Team Guy (emphatically): That WAS subjunctive mood!

My risk of getting pink eye is high enough already!

Girl (outraged): Why do you always fart on my preschool items?!
Guy (ashamed): I'm sorry, I'm sorry...
Girl: Don't fart on my preschool items!


--Bass Cafe

...and does it require batteries?

Construction Worker #1: Yeah, that's what you gotta ask: "Does the cock get bigger?"
Construction Worker #2: And "What color is it?"


--Beinecke Plaza

It's like spidey sense but way less fun.

Female student, to friend: Yeah, you would totally be invited to my wedding. [To Bulgarian student] You would be invited, too.

Bulgarian student: Yeah, right. My Eastern European bullshit filter is kicking in.

--Bingham

But we're looking to downsize.

JE Dining Hall Worker #1: So what you got, three, four, kids?
JE Dining Hall Worker #2: Yeah, sounds 'bout right.

One wonders how Cats ran for so many years.

Yale Girl: So what did you think of the play?
Yale Guy: It was a waste of human life.


--Union Staion, New Haven

Just like your Mom didn't abstain last night, boom!

Professor: When we get to Book 9 of Paradise Lost, I'll bring in some nice apples for us all to eat.
Student: But what if I abstain?
Professor: Oh, but I know that you won't.


--LC

...O.J. Wait?

Professor: When Milton talks of a "select few" for Heaven, you *know* he means like *five* people. St. Augustine...Virgil...Milton... ... ...LeBron.


--LC

Screw girls tonight, I just wanna dance!

Bro: No, I looked into it--it's a gay club.

And you guys are certainly no help in that department.

JE Girl: I think I'll stay with my society unless I get tapped by a bigger one.
JE Jocks: (Snicker)
JE Girl: What?
JE Jock: You want to get tapped by a bigger one?
JE Girl: Yes...? ...Oh.

Dead is the new black.

Asian Girl: She's white and tall like a corpse...she's pretty.

Unless you're referring to The United Federation of Planets?

Confused Student: Is this a Poli Sci class?

Astronomy Professor: Well, we can pretend for a while... but no. It's not.

Courtney Love finally catches a break.

Guy #1 (examining "Deadwood" DVD cover): Is this girl dead or just trying to be seductive?
Guy #2: I don't know, I'd fuck her either way.
Guy #1: Yeah... Wait, what?


--SY

Finally, a senior essay topic I can really get behind.

Boy: Hey! Guess what I just translated into Chinese?!
Girl: What?
Boy: You know the phrase 'once you go black, you never go back?
Girl: Mmmhmm...
Boy: (Repeats the phrase in somewhat broken, rather loud Chinese). And I figured it out all by myself! And it rhymes in Chinese! HAHA!


--Bass Cafe

Wouldn't that be the anus...?

Teaching Fellow: I would be a uterus because it's the shit!


--Biology of Gender & Sexuality section

Someone even made a wikipedia entry about it!

Student on Old Campus: So she Googled me and found the thing from the dance-off with my balls hanging out! It's the first thing that comes up!

Quick, Short Round, get my whip!

(Guy lifts up a girl's skirt as they lay on a hammock)

Guy: Oh, the forbidden city!

--Stiles

Didn't something 'TIP' you off, heehee.

Crew guy #1: What kind of party was that, dude?
Crew guy #2: It was a naked party, bro!


--Outside a Naked Party

Because it WAS a condolences card.

Girl on the phone: So, has Sarah died yet? [Pause.] Oh, that's too bad. Well, did she get my card, then?


--Outside Commons

Apology accepted.

Yale Girl: Do you have wireless?
Barista: No. Sorry for ruining your life.


--Booktrader

Plus she's a panda!

High Guy: Don't look at me. Just because she looks a little bit Asian doesn't mean I'm gonna fuck it.

And a happy bumhole makes for a happy life.

Guy: Soft toilet paper is awful for the environment.
High Girl: But it's good for the bumhole!

Realizing you have a problem is the first step to recovery.

Guy: I'm stupid.
Sympathetic Girl: You're not stupid.
Guy: I'm not as intelligent as most people.

Take Chyna, for example.

Big Black Girl on cell phone: Katrina is not going to fight you because she wants to graduate. Jenny has nothing to lose so she'll fight you. And she's ugly. Ugly people like to fight.


--MetroNorth

But I want I want an official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle!

Drunk Woman: I will BUY you a tricycle. Get the fuck out of here.


--McSwiggans Irish Pub, NYC

That's either the most subtle metaphor I've ever heard...or the dirtiest.

Italian #1: So you're not talking to her?
Italian #2: You know how I get around. She found out and now I have to let the butter on the muffin melt because I can see the steam coming off the top.


--Starbucks

The one where I smack you upside the head.

Husband: You know, the man and woman with the pitchfork in that painting are father and daughter.
Wife: How do you know?
Husband: Sometimes I know things.
Wife: Yeah, and other times you make shit up. Which is this one?

Professor Grey's inter-species orgy example never failed to impress.

Professor making an analogy: Have you ever seen bats eating fruit from a tree? ... Okay. Let’s say you have ripe mangoes and the monkeys invade your tree. What happens?


--Africa Class

As long as you're not in the South.

Loud guy: I do not think that I am dressed like a hobo! I think I am dressed very preppy!
Guy: No, a homo.
Loud guy: Oh, a homo! Well, that's a much more appropriate way to dress!