When I think about you I...

(Post theater performance Q&A)
Actress: I auditioned in New York and it was a triple audition, one of which was the Vagina Monologues. I didn't want to audition for the Vagina Monologues and I think it rubbed them the wrong way.
(Several audience members laugh out loud, Actress is oblivious)


-RI

Dude, you wear panties?

Girl: Who wants a shot of Malibu!
Guy: That's a pantie dropper.


--Old Campus

He's very "Ellen"

Proper lady: He's not a "girly" girl.


--The Graduate Club

It's my beauty secret.

Guy: I don't think I've ever had a Jello shot...
Girl: I take Jello shots through my fucking ass!


--SY Dining Hall

Make sure not to lose it.

Guy #1: The directions are on a green piece of paper.
(fumbles around in car)
Guy #2: What the hell is THIS?
Guy #1: Oh shit. Long story. It's a Portugese kid's back hair.


--Hamden

Because that is just RUDE.

Guy: Did you just fling a cum nodule at me?!?


--Elm St.

And my ass is just really sore.

Guy: The Republican in me hates you, but the penis in me loves you.


--SY

Crusty old nuns!

(Trying to get wasted girl to puke before bed)

Guy #1: There's poop in your mouth! Eww! Poop in your mouth!
Guy #2 (pops into the bathroom): Cottage cheese thighs!


--The Elmhurst

But at least I remembered where my prostate is.

International guy: That 'Porn in the Morn' exam raped me. My prostate has paper cuts all over it now.


--TD courtyard

Welcome to Harvard 2012

PreFrosh: I'm going to go look at grad school applications. I need to get a head start.

--Prospect St.

Someday someone will stalk you too.

Boy: I know! It's like she really captures that feeling, man...I mean, I think it's probably something we've all felt at some point or another. I mean, you're just kind of obsessed with this guy, and you think you're just doing little things to remind him that you exist, but then you realize you've sent him fifty text messages!
(awkward silence)
Professor: It gets better, Harry*.


--LC

Tampax: Just do it!

Guy (joyous): I want to stay in college forever!
Girl (ecstatic): I want to put in a new tampon!


--Broadway

It helps if you talc it.

Athlete Girl (serious): If you're running naked does your penis flap around and hurt? Do you need to wear a jockstrap?


--Elmhurst

Careful, those tots are fiesty.

Girl (about small friends): Don't tell them this but they are the PERFECT size to fit in the Mickey Mouse costumes at Disneyland!


--Elm St.

Much to my cat's chagrin.

Girl: If I were a guy, I would just masturbate eight-ropers all over everything.


--SY Dining Hall

Spring cleaning starts in the closets.

One guy to another guy: Dude, you don't have to change who you are. Just...just...just let me give you a kiss on the cheek.

--Dport Bathroom

Asian girl: "SHUT UP 'FORE I RIP YOURS OFF!"

Diminutive Asian girl: Well, I think that-
English professor: Isn't "balls" such a great expression? It's just so... you know.... I give you all permission to interject and interrupt this class by shouting "BALLS" at any time for the rest of the year. Sorry, go ahead with your comment.
Diminutive Asian girl: Well, I think that-
Professor: BALLS!!!


--WLH

Maury: "Bobby, you are NOT the father. Go back to 5th period."

Guy #1: Do you remember those awkward middle school dances?
Girl: Oh man, dancing an arm's length away and all? The memories.
Guy #2: Yeah, good times. (pause) My staple middle school dance partner is married and has a child now.


--Yorkside

Have you copyrighted its idiocy?

Guy: There's a patent on your eye-bra!?

My name is IG88. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

Professor: So your name is...William?
Student: Yeah, but I go by Max.
Professor: Max...why Max? That's so arbitrary! Why not IG88?

At least that's what I wrote my fan-boy erotica about.

Professor: Whitman is so sexual...you get the sense he'd do a lightpost or a gopher or something...

Wanna get coffee or something?

Student to TA with bandaged hand: How'd you hurt your hand.
TA: ...Chronic masturbation.

Only Sparkle Babies..

Girl: Where did you pull that out of?!!?
Gay Guy: My ass.
Guy 2: Oh, so that's where babies come from!

That's a little generous...he's just Mike McLeod.

Dude: It's not everyday a force of nature splooges in your face.


--Byers Hall

Only on tap night.

Yale Guy: Dude, my bra itches.

--Dport

Much more fun than fratricide.

Professor: Hmm...Incest! That's a good taboo!


--LC

Body Cavity Search 101

Police officer, in Professor's office, on cell: Up your ass...up your ass...goodbye.

--Sage Hall

Flower Lady: "Oh, I beg to differ."

Woman: How am I gunna get a hold of her? A crack head don't have a cell phone!

--DUH

From the Bible, it's totally the smartest book ever.

Guy: Honey, it's a seven page paper.
Girl: It's fine, I plagiarized four of them...


--Toads

Plus she taught me how to whack it.

Guy 1: Sex is like bridge: if you have a good hand you can go it alone.
Guy 2 (laughing hysterically): That's a great joke, man. I'm gonna tell that to my grandmother.
Guy 1: Did you just say you were going to tell that to your grandmother?
Guy 2: Yeah man... she loves bridge.


--Silliman Dining Hall

Oh, and the rugburn from that threesome!

Girl: I had a dream that I eloped with Alladin!


--Commons

And they were probably destroyed when they built Bass!

Yale Girl: Oh my god. I left my socks at CCL.


--Old Campus

'Cause I was afraid it was a mouth wash strip.

Drug Dealer's Friend (offering Listerine strips): Want one?
Roommate (freaked out): No thanks man.
(Dealer's Friend leaves)
Roommate: Was that acid?


--Old Campus

Who?

Roommate #1 (very disturbed): Why does Grant have pictures of starving children on his wall?
Roommate #2: That's Ghandi.


--Bingham

Repent!

Drunk guy: Top ten longest piss I've ever taken...(whimpers) it hurts me.


--First and Somerfield Church

It keeps trying to sneak off to Gotham.

Gay Guy: So I went to DUH and they tested me like 12 times and they figured out what it is and it turns out I have a creeping testicle!


--Lynwood

And I can fart so easily now.

Girl #1 (serious): I REALLY want to know where my inhaler went.
Girl #2: Your inhaler went into your asshole!

And the award for most improved goes to...

Tall Girl: Oh my god! This girl looks just like I did freshman year: poor posture, curly hair, and low self-esteem!

--SY

Turns out Yale may NOT prepare you for the real world.

Yale grad: Eminem has a wonderful sense of meter.


--Court St., Brooklyn


*From Overheard in New York

Oreo whippets?

Guy: I've always wondered... if you smelled a cookie forever, would it disappear?


--Silliman

Toothpicks?

Girlfriend (distraught): A bird just pooped on my Blackberry! I don't know how I'm gonna get it out. It's all in the keys and everything!
Boyfriend: You should probably turn it off so it doesn't short circuit.
Girlfriend: Well, it was pretty viscous...


-Grove St.

Your cloaca?

Girlfriend: I'm touching my butt right now and it doesn't feel good.
Boyfriend: You're not touching your butthole.
Girlfriend: Oh yeah! I'm touching my second butthole!


--The Elmhurst

Again!?

Girl (about dog): He's eating the vibrating sex ring!


--Little Brooklyn

Gay Guy: (vomits)

Girl #1: I've had some other issues with crust.
Girl #2: Booger crust?
Girl #1: No...with semen. You know when you don't use condoms and it's crusty the next day?


--The Elmhurst

12 pairs each. It was adorable.

Girl: So, were you naked?
Boy: No, we were wearing socks.


--Sunday Brunch

Yes, his fist!

Girl: I’m touching it (pause) with my face!


--NYC

Genetics may have played a part.

Guy: My wee-wee is tiny on account of the cocaine and the cold.


--Elm St. (Sunday, 2:00AM)

Nope Mom, just you.

Yale Mom: Oh hello....nobody's drunk!


--Saybrook, 3pm on a Sunday

I pass out a lot.

Yale Guy: And now I masturbate more than I breathe.


--Elm St.

And I play myself like a guitar.

Yale Lesbian: I don't actually watch a lot of porn...I listen to folk music...Surprise!


--Elm St.

The Dalai Lama was a timid young man.

Jewish Boy: Jacquie is coming over here to seduce you.
Asian Boy (distraught): Why would she do that! You know how scared I am of tall people.


--Saybrook

The Dudette Abides

(Guy is checking movies out of the Master's office)

Guy (motioning to picture on the check-out folder): Is that Jeff Goldblum?
Old Female Master's Assistant: No...actually it's a picture of me.
Guy: Oh! I meant Jeff Bridges...


--SY Master's Office

And I DID make out with her!

(Ambiguous Boy and Girl are on Facebook)

Ambiguous Boy: Look at her isn't she beautiful?
Girl: See, that's why I think you're gay. Because you think women are beautiful but you're not attracted to them...
Ambiguous Boy: (pause)...well she's my cousin...

Ask him if that rash cleared up.

Guy #1: Yeah, so I'm going to be a Sillikitchen coordinator next year.
Guy #2: Oh... I wanna use the kitchen right now.
Guy #1: Well you can send an e-mail to my future self... he'll get back to you.


--Silliman Dining Hall

Guy: You...I like.

Guy: People suck.
Girl: I suck. But just cock.


--WLH

But it's a good burn.

Girl: I don't know why they put adhesive on pants. They're all stuck places...it burns!

--Afam House

Laugh else I hit you with a milk crate.

Big Townie Girl: Yo, you dropped four dollars. APRIL FOOOOOLS!


--Chapel St.

Cuz my wang is ginormous. Def. Truth. Like freakishly so.

Professor: It's not a matter of size...(pause)...Not that size doesn't matter.

--Anth class

Bless you my child, Valtrex be with you.

Guy in bathrobe: I just cut the hell out of my lips shaving and now I look like "Father Abreva, Patron Saint of Herpes"!


--The Elmhurst

It makes me vomit......boysenberries.

Girl: Ew, his breath smells like grape (...pause...) poop.

Plus I hear his penis vibrates.

Girls 1 and 2: See ya, Brendan*!
(Walking, 3 second pause)
Girl 1: You know, he's the perfect example of a guy who isn't very good looking but gets a lot of ass, just by being, you know, social. Telling people on Facebook, "Hey, I lost my phone, give me a call."
Girl 2: Yeah, totally.


--Outside Pierson

Credit to The West at Yale