Her general knowledge of STDs was astounding!

Football Player #1: So your Mom came to Porn in the Morn. I bet that was fun.
Football Player #2: Uh...yeah.

It's all fun and games until you find YOURSELF on Gay Street.

Professor (discussing a map): ...and out of this roundabout comes Gay street, running to the Northwest.

Girl (snickering): Gay street.

One must always placate bitter radioactive people.

Undergrad #1: I'm going to laugh at you when you have cancer.
Undergrad #2, cheerfully: Thanks!


--Slifka Dining Hall

The things strangers will pay you to do these days.

Girl 1: Where did you get the children?
Girl 2: Craigslist.


--Off Campus

"Blw chnks in my hr. FML"

Drunk Girl: So text me after you throw up, then.
Drunker Girl: Yeah, okay, I'll text you right after.


-- Branford Basement

I haven't laughed that hard since that tornado last year.

Girl, to her friend: Oh my god, wasn't the fire the other night funny?

--Saybrook Dining Hall

Now that Mory’s is closed…

White student to group of “ethnic” students: We should all go to our respective ethnic restaurants!
“Ethnic” student: Then where would you go?


--Wall St.

Will you be the deaf one or...?

Girl: Are you doing anything tomorrow?
Guy: I might splurge for a 10-piece McNuggets followed by deaf sex.


--Rudys

Then I be listenin' to This American Life so I can picture Ira Glass!

Durfees Employee #1: I hate when he comes in here talkin', he don't go away, but I heard he got a big dick.
Durfees Employee #2: For real?
Durfees Employee #1: Whatever, he talks too much. Maybe cuz he got a big dick, I'd do it, but I'd have to put a mask on him so I could be on him while thinking of someone else.


--Durfees

Plus, if you're lucky, you become an empty shell of a person.

Bro 1: Imagine if your job was to just take ecstasy and fuck all day?
Bro 2: Yeah, that's called being a pornstar.

That's why I'm an art major. Tomorrow I'm making Spin Art with my poop!

Boy 1: You ready for that computer science test?

Boy 2: Well, you see, the problem with computer science tests is that it's like they're just testing your IQ on computer science. Like, they want to see how much you know about the stuff they're testing you on.

--Rosenfeld Hall

That's why I hang out with you guys.

Undergrad: Being with other smart people isn't really what makes me happy.


--YLS dining hall

Not as much as I love punchasizing your face.

On Lollipop by Lil' Wayne.

Freshman Girl: So like, is it shawty wanna thug or fuck?
Freshman Boy: Hmm, don't you just love analyzing the semantic subtleties of ebonics.

I hear it's pretty gay-sexist, too.

Random freshman: If the bible hadn't been gender-racist, Gabrielle would have meant something.

Now, let's be honest. Who's REALLY the piece of shit in this situation?

[Sake bomb prematurely explodes]

Guy: You piece of shit! That's Brook's Brothers!

I'll watch her dance, though. Yeah. Just dance!

Lax Player: What are you doing tonight, Bro?
Roommate: Getting laid.
Lax Player: Gonna lower your standards are you? I bet you bring home a fat, ugly girl with STD's.
Roommate: Ewww dude, I would never hook up with a fat girl.


--SY

And start rubbing FRONTS.

Art Gallery Guide: Stop rubbing butts by the tea hut!

Party CANCELLED.

Freshman Guy #1: Oh, there's lube packets in with the condoms.
Freshman Guy #2: But that's not enough lube for a lube wrestling party!

...a slut. She gave head to a lot of snakes...if you know what I mean.

Art history professor: ... and this painting is a lesser-known Caravaggio, depicting, on an actual shield, the severed head of...

[Door to lecture hall opens. 20 students walk in and begin making out -- up against walls, on the floor. Clothes are removed, moaning noises heard. This continues for a solid five minutes, interrupted only by the nervous/appreciative laughter of students in the lecture. Finally, kissers exit.]

Professor (not missing a beat):...Medusa, who as we know from the myth of Perseus was...
Class: [Applause]

It's never a big deal until the Hepatitis C

Guy: You know those kinds of Professors who like to give you a bad grade on your first paper so it can seem like you improved for the second one.
Girl: Yeah, those are the Shelly Kagan types
Random Freshman, interrupting: Shelly Kagan is God!
Girl: Oh. Well, that's how it happened with my papers.
Random Freshman: I didn't have that problem. It's probably because my TA wanted to fuck me. She was an Eastern European porn star. No big deal.


--Squiche

I will put your head in any sort of execution device, though.

Prof: Do we have someone who’s willing to talk about the case? Some budding litigator who’s willing to put their head on the guillotine? On the academic guillotine…
Student: I was willing before you started talking like that.

--YLS

And yet she owns my heart.

Boy: See, I'd rather be stupid because if you're fat or ugly you just can't do anything with that.
Girl: Yeah, pretty people can get somewhere in life even if they're stupid.
Boy: But I'd rather be fat than ugly. Like, you can be fat and still be pretty in terms of the face.
Other Girl: I know someone who's fat, stupid, and ugly. I hate her. She goes to Q-Pac.


--Commons

And eat Chik-fil-a.

Dude 1: If I were Michael Phelps, I'd do nothing wrong, swim really fast, and make millions of dollars.
Dude 2: Really? If I were Michael Phelps, I'd just slam box all day.

OK. So here's an image from the New York Times coverage of the Grammys. Very nice. Katy Perry singing "I Kissed A Girl." Excellent. Haven't heard that one enough.

Painful overplaying aside let's search this performance for another problem...


There it is!
Check out that pose! I don't get it. Is it OK because she's Asian? Miley Cyrus isn't allowed to do it so why is anybody else?


(Image from NYTimes.com)

Better, but not quite.

Girl: Of course I was dressed like a retard geisha.
PC Guy: Uh, the word retard...not to be used.
Girl: Sorry. Retarded geisha.


--The Elmhurst