Keeping spirits low avoids revolt.

Girl, disgustedly: At least this weather is good for the peasants.


--SOM

And they have no wire hangers.

Yale girl: It never rains in New Hampshire. Ever.

--Donaldson Commons

Here I was, thinking it was a sex act.

Yalie girl 1: I didn't know Burundi was a country...

Yalie girl 2: I know, its weird isn't it?

--K2 (The Publick Crap)

Only as awkward as realizing you'll never truly please her.

Guy: How awkward would it be if you got aroused by Dr. Ruth?


--Saybrook Dining Hall

And yet I'm so 'moronic'

[in a gut QR class, people are drawing graphs]
Guy 1: Dude, this y-axis really bothers me. It's so...metaphysical.


--Dunham Labs

No, that's the E I slipped into your Coke with lime.

Girl: Dude, something's wrong with my coke.
Guy: Oh, it's Coke with lime.
Girl: I know that...I mean...I think it's making me horny.


--G-Heav

And that was the day I realized I was gay.

White guy: I saw a black guy with a Lisa Frank backpack. It was bitchin. Well, ghetto fabulous. I really wanted one for like five minutes, but then I realized that would be pretty gay.


--Wachovia Bank

Unless you're an altar boy.

Girl 1: I don't know if that guy over there is sexy.

Girl 2: It's Sunday morning, nobody's sexy on Sunday morning.

Guy: Hey, I'm sexy ALL the time, baby!

Girl 1: Sexy is if I want to give you a blow job. That doesn't happen on Sunday mornings.

--TD Dining Hall

But I BATHE in falafel.

Coach: All you do is sit around all day watching TV and eating donuts.
International Student-Athlete: I'm not American, I don't eat donuts.

Thank GOD there's a prophylactic for sex.

Yale Girl: It's great that taking a multivitamin helps to prevent a hangover, but there truly is no prophylactic for shame.


--Saybrook

Yes, my special friend. Her name is Vagina.

Yale Mom over the phone: So I used your luggage that you took to Madrid and I found your little "vibe". At first I thought it was a little flashlight and showed it to Dad and said "We can use this in Cambodia!"...then he said it wasn't a flashlight. I assume it belongs to one of your friends.


--The Elmhurst

But...but...we're married!

Guy: Wanna have sex?
Girl: No.
Guy: Wanna make love?
Girl: NO! I don't love you! Hahahahaha.


--Elm St.

The genesis of 2 Girls 1 Cup

Drunk Girl 1: No, I LOVE you too!
Drunk Girl 2: Girl, I love you so much I'd barf in your mouth!
(pause)
Drunk Girl 2: Actually, I love you so much I'd let you barf in MY mouth!


--In a bathroom on Howe St.

They're like cicadas.

Best Facebook status I've seen in a long time:

"Stuart is bumping into geishas... again. =p."

They feel the same way.

Girl: I only have four pairs of Uggs...I don't think they're that cute.


--Chai

He did. PUNK'D!

Asian Guy asks to use Girl's phone and steps outside with it

Drunk Girl, listening in: I think he's calling China on my phone!
Asian Guy: I'm not calling China on your phone.


--Chai

You'd pay $30 for that at Origins.

(Roomate enters, face sopping)

Roomate: I just tripped on the steps and flung half my cappuccino into my left eyeball. Now my head smells like coffee!


--The Elmhurst

There was this one time...but then he beamed me with a milk crate.

Text Message Conversation

Girl: I'm at the train station. A stranger tried paying for my ticket then bought me a coffee...?? I can't get away. My train is late. Awful.
Gay guy: Ahhh! This is what pepper spray is for! Unless the stranger is a cute boy...
Girl: Honey, when have you ever been able to find a cute boy in or around gun wavin' New Haven? Focus!!


--Train Station

Step #7: Disenfranchisement

Guy in 20s: Where's Lucy?
Girl in 20s (serious): She's at an AA meeting.
Guy in 20s (quietly): Oh. Hahaha!


--Entering Polling Place on Super Tuesday

Well you'd better study up for the next week, asshole.

Guy: Apparently a man becomes allergic to semen when his semen comes into contact with blood. Like after a vascectomy or testicular torsion (shudder).
Girlfriend: Wouldn't that be really easy? Like if he's "Grabbing a J" with a cut on his hand?
Boyfriend: What?
Girlfriend: You know, "Grabbing a J". You know what it is. I'm not saying it.
Boyfriend: You mean beating off? "Grabbing a J" is not a real saying. You made that up.


--The Elmhurst

And by a crew of of sweaty firemen....no?

Mid 40s Man #1: The Giants defense deserved an award last night.
Mid 40s Man #2: Yeah, Tom Brady was getting molested.
Mid 40s Man #1: Even more than by the starlets.


--Payne Whitney Gym, 4th floor exercise room

That's the muggle equivalent of the GRIM!!!!

Girl:I had a dream where Johnny Depp came to my house and kidnapped me. He took me to an abandoned warehouse and put me on the hood of a car where he fed me a shrimp salad sandwich on wheat bread.


--The Elmhurst

Did I have sex with Wolverine?

Boy, referencing three cuts on his face: I look and feel like I ran into a door last night...I probably did.


--SY Dining Hall

Is that a rhetorical question?

Guy: What are you talking about? It's Super Bowl Sunday!
Girl: Do I look like I have a penis? Seriously!?


--Leaving Toad's

That's what I was afraid of.

Girl: I'm sorry. I farted. It was appalling.
Guy: I wasn't going to notice!


--The Elmhurst