But we're looking to downsize.

JE Dining Hall Worker #1: So what you got, three, four, kids?
JE Dining Hall Worker #2: Yeah, sounds 'bout right.

One wonders how Cats ran for so many years.

Yale Girl: So what did you think of the play?
Yale Guy: It was a waste of human life.


--Union Staion, New Haven

Just like your Mom didn't abstain last night, boom!

Professor: When we get to Book 9 of Paradise Lost, I'll bring in some nice apples for us all to eat.
Student: But what if I abstain?
Professor: Oh, but I know that you won't.


--LC

...O.J. Wait?

Professor: When Milton talks of a "select few" for Heaven, you *know* he means like *five* people. St. Augustine...Virgil...Milton... ... ...LeBron.


--LC

Screw girls tonight, I just wanna dance!

Bro: No, I looked into it--it's a gay club.

And you guys are certainly no help in that department.

JE Girl: I think I'll stay with my society unless I get tapped by a bigger one.
JE Jocks: (Snicker)
JE Girl: What?
JE Jock: You want to get tapped by a bigger one?
JE Girl: Yes...? ...Oh.

Dead is the new black.

Asian Girl: She's white and tall like a corpse...she's pretty.

Unless you're referring to The United Federation of Planets?

Confused Student: Is this a Poli Sci class?

Astronomy Professor: Well, we can pretend for a while... but no. It's not.

Courtney Love finally catches a break.

Guy #1 (examining "Deadwood" DVD cover): Is this girl dead or just trying to be seductive?
Guy #2: I don't know, I'd fuck her either way.
Guy #1: Yeah... Wait, what?


--SY

Finally, a senior essay topic I can really get behind.

Boy: Hey! Guess what I just translated into Chinese?!
Girl: What?
Boy: You know the phrase 'once you go black, you never go back?
Girl: Mmmhmm...
Boy: (Repeats the phrase in somewhat broken, rather loud Chinese). And I figured it out all by myself! And it rhymes in Chinese! HAHA!


--Bass Cafe

Wouldn't that be the anus...?

Teaching Fellow: I would be a uterus because it's the shit!


--Biology of Gender & Sexuality section

Someone even made a wikipedia entry about it!

Student on Old Campus: So she Googled me and found the thing from the dance-off with my balls hanging out! It's the first thing that comes up!

Quick, Short Round, get my whip!

(Guy lifts up a girl's skirt as they lay on a hammock)

Guy: Oh, the forbidden city!

--Stiles

Didn't something 'TIP' you off, heehee.

Crew guy #1: What kind of party was that, dude?
Crew guy #2: It was a naked party, bro!


--Outside a Naked Party

Because it WAS a condolences card.

Girl on the phone: So, has Sarah died yet? [Pause.] Oh, that's too bad. Well, did she get my card, then?


--Outside Commons

Apology accepted.

Yale Girl: Do you have wireless?
Barista: No. Sorry for ruining your life.


--Booktrader

Plus she's a panda!

High Guy: Don't look at me. Just because she looks a little bit Asian doesn't mean I'm gonna fuck it.

And a happy bumhole makes for a happy life.

Guy: Soft toilet paper is awful for the environment.
High Girl: But it's good for the bumhole!

Realizing you have a problem is the first step to recovery.

Guy: I'm stupid.
Sympathetic Girl: You're not stupid.
Guy: I'm not as intelligent as most people.

Take Chyna, for example.

Big Black Girl on cell phone: Katrina is not going to fight you because she wants to graduate. Jenny has nothing to lose so she'll fight you. And she's ugly. Ugly people like to fight.


--MetroNorth

But I want I want an official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle!

Drunk Woman: I will BUY you a tricycle. Get the fuck out of here.


--McSwiggans Irish Pub, NYC

That's either the most subtle metaphor I've ever heard...or the dirtiest.

Italian #1: So you're not talking to her?
Italian #2: You know how I get around. She found out and now I have to let the butter on the muffin melt because I can see the steam coming off the top.


--Starbucks

The one where I smack you upside the head.

Husband: You know, the man and woman with the pitchfork in that painting are father and daughter.
Wife: How do you know?
Husband: Sometimes I know things.
Wife: Yeah, and other times you make shit up. Which is this one?

Professor Grey's inter-species orgy example never failed to impress.

Professor making an analogy: Have you ever seen bats eating fruit from a tree? ... Okay. Let’s say you have ripe mangoes and the monkeys invade your tree. What happens?


--Africa Class

As long as you're not in the South.

Loud guy: I do not think that I am dressed like a hobo! I think I am dressed very preppy!
Guy: No, a homo.
Loud guy: Oh, a homo! Well, that's a much more appropriate way to dress!