And yet she owns my heart.

Boy: See, I'd rather be stupid because if you're fat or ugly you just can't do anything with that.
Girl: Yeah, pretty people can get somewhere in life even if they're stupid.
Boy: But I'd rather be fat than ugly. Like, you can be fat and still be pretty in terms of the face.
Other Girl: I know someone who's fat, stupid, and ugly. I hate her. She goes to Q-Pac.


--Commons

And eat Chik-fil-a.

Dude 1: If I were Michael Phelps, I'd do nothing wrong, swim really fast, and make millions of dollars.
Dude 2: Really? If I were Michael Phelps, I'd just slam box all day.

OK. So here's an image from the New York Times coverage of the Grammys. Very nice. Katy Perry singing "I Kissed A Girl." Excellent. Haven't heard that one enough.

Painful overplaying aside let's search this performance for another problem...


There it is!
Check out that pose! I don't get it. Is it OK because she's Asian? Miley Cyrus isn't allowed to do it so why is anybody else?


(Image from NYTimes.com)

Better, but not quite.

Girl: Of course I was dressed like a retard geisha.
PC Guy: Uh, the word retard...not to be used.
Girl: Sorry. Retarded geisha.


--The Elmhurst

Unlike, for instance, Type II Diabetes

Little Boy: McDonalds is better...McDonalds is clutch.


--The Educated Burger

8x10 glossies and everything.

Lax Player: I went to Pompeii, and you should see some of the photos on the walls in their whorehouses!


--SY

Don't you mean a dingleberry 'COOPERATIVE'.

Girl: We should start a dingleberry plantation.


--The Elmhurst

Hold me closer.

Drunk athlete, in his sleep: It's freezing, Mr. Bigglesworth.


--Zeta

It was the perfect ending to a fairytale evening.

Incredulous Girl: And then, like, my shirt fell off...


--Commons

Jerk it like there's no tomorrow.

Guy, quizzically: What do objectivsts do when they get depressed?
Girl: Same thing as they always do....

We're got the homeless people but we're missing the scenery.

Japanese Tourists: How do we get to Central Park? Central park? Downtown?
Yale Guy: Uh...


--Prospect St.

Michael Phelps' motivation has a long and tortured history.

Little Boy: Mom, I really don't wanna go to my swim lesson!

Mom: C'mon...it will be fun and you always like it when you get there.

Little Boy: I already said I didn't wanna go! I'm not going!

Mom: Now, honey, I never had swim lessons when I was your age and I know that they're important for your safety. I wish that someone had taught me how to swim.

Little Boy (screaming): I don't care! I'm not going and you can't make me!

Mom: FINE! JUST FINE! I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL SOMETHING HAPPENS AND YOU SEE MOMMY DROWN! THAT'S RIGHT! YOU'RE GONNA WATCH YOUR MOTHER DIE!

Little Boy: [Cries]


--Philadelphia, PA

It's got greasy fingers, that's all I know!

(Woman orders a huge family sized assortment of chicken by herself)

Cashier Lady: Is that for here or to go?
Woman: What the fuck, you think I'm gonna eat that all myself?
Cashier Lady: Bitch, I don't know your life!


--KFC

Just like God.

TA: So what are the advantages of giving cows Human Growth Hormone? Well, there's less poop...and in the world today, there's too much poop...poop is a huge problem, you know. Poop is everywhere.


--Issues Approach to Biology Section

And after the nothing we'll stumble around GHeav.

Girl #1: So, we're not doing anything tonight, then?
Girl #2: Yeah, but we're pregaming the nothing that we're doing.

Just for that, I'm not even going to section today.

Lax player: Can't believe I'm buying all these shitty books...never going to read them.
Disgruntled Labyrinth worker, sighing: ...Future leaders of the free world...
Lax player: ...Fuck you.


--Labyrinth

Overheard at Yale Vocab

Franzy: A gay guy drunk on cheap wine.

Now THAT book I would buy from Oprah.

Guy: We can just not tell the girls that we're getting free rent and then you'll get two months of rent from them.
Girl in Background: Secrets of the Jew.


--The Elmhurst

Why don't we just try lubing up the previous example?

Professor: Or what about an even tighter example: Let's take female genital mutilation.
[Minutes later, presumably having realized what was said earlier]
Professor: Well, maybe not a tighter example, just a more uncomfortable one.

Overheardeverywhere.com

We made it onto OverheardEverywhere.com again!

Keep the Overheards coming, guys!

Is that when Uncle Ted played doctor with you?

Obnoxious Girl: Yeah, I've been pre-med since the age of eight, basically.


--High St.

I'm hopped up on Hope!

Young Guy: Are you guys from Ohio by any chance?
Old Lady: What?
Young Guy: I'm looking for a bus from Ohio.
Old Lady: Oh, no. Sorry.
(Young Guy leaves)
Old Lady: I thought he asked if we get high by any chance?
(Everyone laughs)

--Washington D.C., Inauguration Day

Do you want a falafel to the face?

(Two waitresses are looking at a picture of hugely obese dead bodies)
Waitress #1: Yeah, it's kinda weird.
Waitress #2: My boyfriend is into fat chicks.
Waitress #1: Oh really?
Waitress #2: Yeah, his last girlfriend was a fat chick.
(The manager walks up and starts poking Waitress #2)
Waitress #2: What? You thought I forgot I work here? Stop it! Stop it! Help! I'm being poked by an A-Rab!


--Mamouns

Judge not lest ye be smacked.

(Yale girl is walk-of-shaming in the early morning)

Entire bus of elementary schoolers: You ugly as FUCK!
Man in car waiting behind them, embarrassed: Good morning to you.


--Trumbull St.

Which one are you, again?

Nerd: Obviously you don't know the difference between the living dead and zombies so I am going to dismiss your statement.


--Horror Film Seminar