And Golden Corral.

Gay Guy: I don't believe in love. It's something for poor people to make them feel better about their lives. Like sobriety.

I'll bet Lady Gaga's computer dances...

Stoned guy watching iTunes visualizer: It's how a computer would dance if a computer could dance.

Aren't they all equally random?

Kid #1: That's the most random number ever. "Seventeen"
Kid #2: Yeah.

Let's not ask any women for their opinions, though.

Gay Guy: If you don't have the guts to say "no" you SHOULD be raped.

Done and done.

UVa Girl: I'm beautiful. Don't talk to me.

Sex is my weapon, guilt is my bear-trap.

UVa girl: Freshman year my period was two weeks late. But I was obsessed with this guy and I was like "Yay!"

They are traditionally a gentle people.

Girl (about her broken clavicle): There was a bear involved. By that I mean a large gay man.

You're either way too health conscious or way too NOT.

Woman comparing boxes of cookies: How much protein in these?


--Ikea

How NOT to work through marital issues.

Drunk Guy: There's one thing I regret about this world and it's you!
Drunk Lady: Yeah!
Yale Girl: Um...
Drunk Guy: You're too gorgeous.
Drunk Lady: Hey!

Intercourse induced stupidity

Guy: In the morning we didn't remember each-others names.
Girl: 'Cause you had so much sex!?

At least there's ONE good thing about China.

Guy: The good thing about China is that no one speaks English so the white people can't take over.

That's baby is f-ed either way!

Guy: If you want to save a baby's life punch him right now.

It hides inside my polyester capri pants.

Girl: I've discovered a secret love for Kohls.

I at least can't go before 1am

Girl: I can't go to Toad's. I'm wearing crocs, I don't have my shirt, and I'm wearing someone else's pants.


--Outside Sigma Chi

Retail or wholesale?

Econ Professor about the value of wildlife: What's the price of a bald eagle? What's the price of extra bears?

Hook up seven more times and it'll be like Hanukkah.

A couple is hooking up loudly for several minutes.

Guy: "It's like Christmas!"


--Dport Dive

And the store feels freshly douched after having you inside it.

Guy: I feel so dirty after being in a poor people store.


--Outside the Salvation Army

And eat bran muffins for eternity.

Woman: You can't ticket the Cupcake Truck! You'd, like... go to hell.


--In line for cupcakes at Phelps Gate

I judge the world based on pood personal hygiene

Guy #1: You know the Dark Ages, that might have been the height of civilization.
Guy #2: The DARK AGES?

--Old Campus

So I'm gonna look too cheap to get paid!

Roommate, dressing to go out: I want to get laid tonight, but I don't want to look like I'm getting paid for it.

Then I knew I was blackout because I wanted to marry him.

Girl: I knew I was wasted because I thought he looked really good. Ewwwwwww.


--Trumbull Brunch

By "exciting parts" I mean "titties"

Guy: Pirates is the perfect movie to do homework to. You can do work during the plot and look up for the exciting parts.


--D-Port Dining Hall

This guy deserves a slow clap.

Guy: Anytime someone tells me they identify with Holden Caulfield, I tell them to get the fuck away from me because he's a pathetic douche.


--D-port Dive

Least romantic proposal EVER.

Guy to girl: I have ambition. And I want to spend the next four years of my life proving it to you so we can get married.


--Cross Campus

The conception of a food baby

Girl #1: I just ate two of those doughnut things or whatever they're called.
Girl #2: Bagels?
Girl #1: Yeah.