And the store feels freshly douched after having you inside it.

Guy: I feel so dirty after being in a poor people store.


--Outside the Salvation Army

And eat bran muffins for eternity.

Woman: You can't ticket the Cupcake Truck! You'd, like... go to hell.


--In line for cupcakes at Phelps Gate

I judge the world based on pood personal hygiene

Guy #1: You know the Dark Ages, that might have been the height of civilization.
Guy #2: The DARK AGES?

--Old Campus

So I'm gonna look too cheap to get paid!

Roommate, dressing to go out: I want to get laid tonight, but I don't want to look like I'm getting paid for it.

Then I knew I was blackout because I wanted to marry him.

Girl: I knew I was wasted because I thought he looked really good. Ewwwwwww.


--Trumbull Brunch

By "exciting parts" I mean "titties"

Guy: Pirates is the perfect movie to do homework to. You can do work during the plot and look up for the exciting parts.


--D-Port Dining Hall

This guy deserves a slow clap.

Guy: Anytime someone tells me they identify with Holden Caulfield, I tell them to get the fuck away from me because he's a pathetic douche.


--D-port Dive

Least romantic proposal EVER.

Guy to girl: I have ambition. And I want to spend the next four years of my life proving it to you so we can get married.


--Cross Campus

The conception of a food baby

Girl #1: I just ate two of those doughnut things or whatever they're called.
Girl #2: Bagels?
Girl #1: Yeah.

What ISN'T nowadays.

Guy: What the fuck is an amoeba?


--GHeav

Speak for yourself, Jaime Lee.

Girl: We all have fucking vaginas and fucking balls. I could impregnate my fucking self if I fucking wanted to.


--Gourmet Heaven

Why can't I be Exeter...

Choate/Yale guy: Can I just point out who is at this table right now?" (points) "Choate, Andover, Andover, Groton, Choate aaaaand... public school.
Groton/Yale girl: But I think if he HAD gone to prep school, he'd, like, totally be a St. Paul's boy.
All: Agreed.
Public school/Yale guy: Thanks. (under breath) Fuck you, douchebags.

Jenny's Prince Harry obsession suddenly makes sense.

Yale Girl: Hugo Boss hasn't designed anything attractive since the Nazi uniforms.

Want one?

Yale Alum: Whose horses are these?
Yale Student: I don't know, but I think they're from Newport.
Alum: Oh. I guess they're mine, then.


--Yale-UVA Alumni Polo Match

And then dips them in hummus.

Black Guy #1: Man, he used to get crunk with us on a Saturday like a real man! Now he all vegan and organic and sustainable and shit.
Black Guy #2: Yeah, that's what having a woman does for you. Shrinks your balls.


--Whalley Ave.

Fat like a FOX.

Skinny Townie Guy: You're not fat... you're big-boned.
Townie Woman: NO, I weigh 300 lbs, I'm FAT! (makes raspberry sound)


--Walking to Rudy's

In fact, the professor had be escorted from the building.

Girl: I applied to that college seminar in hip-hop culture by writing, "Ain't nothin' but a g-thang, baby." ...I didn't get in.


--Trumbull

So Your Cat Wants A Massage?

Is my crippling insecurity showing?

Returning student: Hey, are you heading to New Haven?
CT Limo Driver: You go to Yale?
Student: Pardon?
Driver: YALE, kid. Ya go to Yale?
Student: I do, yes.
Driver: Yeah (spits on curb)... you LOOK like a Yale man.


--Hartford Airport

But from where you're standing I'm ALL ditz!

Bartender: YOU WENT TO YALE?!
Waitress: Yeah.
Bartender: Hmm, I didn't know that. I just always figured you were dumb.
Waitress: No, no no, I'm smart inside.


--Marius

Don't worry, it's just to cover the meth lab smell.

Girl: It smells really intensely of perfume all of a sudden.
(Minutes later)
Girl: Are they baking a Theta girl up there? Seriously! What else smells like that?


--The Elmhurst

How edgy of you.

Guy #1: What are you listening to?
Guy #2: It's a walking playlist. I made it this morning for walking.


--Film Study Center

Neo-feminism hoooo!

Girl: I guess I really just needed the penis, and that's exactly what he was.


--Cross Campus

Plus once I found a horse head in my bed.

Girl: Well I wasn't convinced that my family was actually in the Mafia until I finally saw our family seal.
Guy: You guys actually have a family seal?
Girl: Yeah, it shows this hand kind of reaching out to grab something else on the other side of the circle
Guy: Grabbing what?
Girl: A bloody dismembered hand.


--Starbucks

Michael Jackson defies all labels

Girl: Now is that a really gay thing or is that a really black thing?


--Orleton Court