Why can't I be Exeter...

Choate/Yale guy: Can I just point out who is at this table right now?" (points) "Choate, Andover, Andover, Groton, Choate aaaaand... public school.
Groton/Yale girl: But I think if he HAD gone to prep school, he'd, like, totally be a St. Paul's boy.
All: Agreed.
Public school/Yale guy: Thanks. (under breath) Fuck you, douchebags.

Jenny's Prince Harry obsession suddenly makes sense.

Yale Girl: Hugo Boss hasn't designed anything attractive since the Nazi uniforms.

Want one?

Yale Alum: Whose horses are these?
Yale Student: I don't know, but I think they're from Newport.
Alum: Oh. I guess they're mine, then.


--Yale-UVA Alumni Polo Match

And then dips them in hummus.

Black Guy #1: Man, he used to get crunk with us on a Saturday like a real man! Now he all vegan and organic and sustainable and shit.
Black Guy #2: Yeah, that's what having a woman does for you. Shrinks your balls.


--Whalley Ave.

Fat like a FOX.

Skinny Townie Guy: You're not fat... you're big-boned.
Townie Woman: NO, I weigh 300 lbs, I'm FAT! (makes raspberry sound)


--Walking to Rudy's

In fact, the professor had be escorted from the building.

Girl: I applied to that college seminar in hip-hop culture by writing, "Ain't nothin' but a g-thang, baby." ...I didn't get in.


--Trumbull

So Your Cat Wants A Massage?

Is my crippling insecurity showing?

Returning student: Hey, are you heading to New Haven?
CT Limo Driver: You go to Yale?
Student: Pardon?
Driver: YALE, kid. Ya go to Yale?
Student: I do, yes.
Driver: Yeah (spits on curb)... you LOOK like a Yale man.


--Hartford Airport

But from where you're standing I'm ALL ditz!

Bartender: YOU WENT TO YALE?!
Waitress: Yeah.
Bartender: Hmm, I didn't know that. I just always figured you were dumb.
Waitress: No, no no, I'm smart inside.


--Marius

Don't worry, it's just to cover the meth lab smell.

Girl: It smells really intensely of perfume all of a sudden.
(Minutes later)
Girl: Are they baking a Theta girl up there? Seriously! What else smells like that?


--The Elmhurst

How edgy of you.

Guy #1: What are you listening to?
Guy #2: It's a walking playlist. I made it this morning for walking.


--Film Study Center

Neo-feminism hoooo!

Girl: I guess I really just needed the penis, and that's exactly what he was.


--Cross Campus

Plus once I found a horse head in my bed.

Girl: Well I wasn't convinced that my family was actually in the Mafia until I finally saw our family seal.
Guy: You guys actually have a family seal?
Girl: Yeah, it shows this hand kind of reaching out to grab something else on the other side of the circle
Guy: Grabbing what?
Girl: A bloody dismembered hand.


--Starbucks

Michael Jackson defies all labels

Girl: Now is that a really gay thing or is that a really black thing?


--Orleton Court

There can NEVER be another.

Homeless Guy: I've had three heart attacks! Another one and I'll be just like Michael Jackson.


--Chapel Street

You couldn't?

Straight Guy: Could you imagine being 44 years-old and never having had a dick inside you?


--The Elmhurst

Just keep them away from sharp objects.

Old Lady: Everyone's playing the handheld game. The PCP game.


--Amtrak Regional

Shut up or I'll scalp you.

Guy: Why do you have the entire Last of the Mohicans soundtrack on your iPod? That's the real question.


--The Elmhurst

Turns out it's not.

Guy: I was thinking it'd be funny to bic a dog.

He's clearly sake-bombed

Guy #1: This literally smells like shit.
Girl: It's delicious! It's soy sauce.
Guy #2: He was trying to use it as a mixer.


--Lynwood

The market hasn't peaked yet!

Guy: We're going to go sell two rottweilers right now!
Bouncer: Don't do that.


--Rudy's

It's A-OK!

Girl: Sorry I wet your underwear.
Guy: ...


--Irish Pub

I fucked a mermaid!

White Guy: And she's black. She could suck the chrome off the back of a boat. I CANNOT wait.

Heh..."Twitter"

Guy: Clitoral stimulation? There's an app for that!

Uh, Sotomayor's confirmation?

Drunk Guy: I'm fingering an 18-year-old. What's more important than that right now?