So Your Cat Wants A Massage?

Is my crippling insecurity showing?

Returning student: Hey, are you heading to New Haven?
CT Limo Driver: You go to Yale?
Student: Pardon?
Driver: YALE, kid. Ya go to Yale?
Student: I do, yes.
Driver: Yeah (spits on curb)... you LOOK like a Yale man.


--Hartford Airport

But from where you're standing I'm ALL ditz!

Bartender: YOU WENT TO YALE?!
Waitress: Yeah.
Bartender: Hmm, I didn't know that. I just always figured you were dumb.
Waitress: No, no no, I'm smart inside.


--Marius

Don't worry, it's just to cover the meth lab smell.

Girl: It smells really intensely of perfume all of a sudden.
(Minutes later)
Girl: Are they baking a Theta girl up there? Seriously! What else smells like that?


--The Elmhurst

How edgy of you.

Guy #1: What are you listening to?
Guy #2: It's a walking playlist. I made it this morning for walking.


--Film Study Center

Neo-feminism hoooo!

Girl: I guess I really just needed the penis, and that's exactly what he was.


--Cross Campus

Plus once I found a horse head in my bed.

Girl: Well I wasn't convinced that my family was actually in the Mafia until I finally saw our family seal.
Guy: You guys actually have a family seal?
Girl: Yeah, it shows this hand kind of reaching out to grab something else on the other side of the circle
Guy: Grabbing what?
Girl: A bloody dismembered hand.


--Starbucks

Michael Jackson defies all labels

Girl: Now is that a really gay thing or is that a really black thing?


--Orleton Court

There can NEVER be another.

Homeless Guy: I've had three heart attacks! Another one and I'll be just like Michael Jackson.


--Chapel Street

You couldn't?

Straight Guy: Could you imagine being 44 years-old and never having had a dick inside you?


--The Elmhurst

Just keep them away from sharp objects.

Old Lady: Everyone's playing the handheld game. The PCP game.


--Amtrak Regional

Shut up or I'll scalp you.

Guy: Why do you have the entire Last of the Mohicans soundtrack on your iPod? That's the real question.


--The Elmhurst

Turns out it's not.

Guy: I was thinking it'd be funny to bic a dog.

He's clearly sake-bombed

Guy #1: This literally smells like shit.
Girl: It's delicious! It's soy sauce.
Guy #2: He was trying to use it as a mixer.


--Lynwood

The market hasn't peaked yet!

Guy: We're going to go sell two rottweilers right now!
Bouncer: Don't do that.


--Rudy's

It's A-OK!

Girl: Sorry I wet your underwear.
Guy: ...


--Irish Pub

I fucked a mermaid!

White Guy: And she's black. She could suck the chrome off the back of a boat. I CANNOT wait.

Heh..."Twitter"

Guy: Clitoral stimulation? There's an app for that!

Uh, Sotomayor's confirmation?

Drunk Guy: I'm fingering an 18-year-old. What's more important than that right now?

MINI Post-It!

Woman: He broke up with me via Post-It!

No, like "born" born...out of the womb.

Skater guy: I was born again in a Dunkin' Donuts.
Girl with posse: What does that mean? We're all Jews here.


--College Street

Well you SHANT have them.

Sober 30-year-old woman: I want nuggets! I want nuggets!


--Temple Grill

Hot damn!

Guy: That's awesome. That's, like, child abuse.


--The Elmhurst

I bleed sweet tea, motherfucker.

Northern Girl: I always think of West Virginia as one big coal mine.
Southern Guy: Yankee bitch!


--The Elmhurst

That...I did not know.

Guy: You know you don't get worker's comp right now.
Girl: You know your oysters were on my titties!