I've never felt so ghetto.

Girl: We were a foot away from a Chick-Fil-A.

--Davenport

It's a delicate instrument.

(After being butt-slapped while talking to someone else)

Guy: My ass is not a toy!


--Silliman Dining Hall

Zombie crime is at an all time high.

Girl looking for stolen car: What if someone used it to move a dead body? I have a premonition that there is a body in my car. I'll admit, it may be alive. It may in fact be driving the car.


--Orange St.

Kiss me, you animal!

Guy 1: I'm not a pregnant woman.
Guy 2: And I didn't shit in your bed.
Guy 1: Okay, that makes us even.


--Bingham

See! I just pooped myself!

Guy on cell: I'm too tired to sit on my ass and watch Lilo and Stitch. That's how tired I am!


--Elm St.

And ask to come over for tea.

Girl: I've never met a vagina that I didn't compliment.

--Saybrook.

I always thought there was a Five Minute rule?

Guy: Hold on a minute, let me just add this one thing..
Girl: You're seriously commenting on your own photos two minutes after you put them on Facebook? (Points at screen) SEVEN MINUTES? CHILL THE FUCK OUT!

You could almost say the stain..."reproduced". (HAH!)

Guy: Is that semen on your tights?
Girl: No, but semen does really stain, though. Like once, I found semen on a dress of mine. I wore it and hugged a lot of people.


--SY Dining Hall

Yeah, and then I accidentally licked your ear.

Guy: I think we had a moment today in Repro.
Girl: Did I accidentally touch your thigh again?


--Saybrook

Well...in order to get an "A", that is.

Yale girl 1: Wait...you had to stick something up your butt today in lab?

Yale girl 2: Yes...

--Commons

Tighten them...TO DEATH.

Professor: You can use a screwdriver to stab somebody to death, but I'd rather you use it to tighten bolts and stuff.

--Sage Hall

Beacuse that's what I call MINE.

Guy 1: You got a cash box for the money...good idea.
Guy 2: Cash box...do you think that's what a hooker calls her vagina?


--Saybrook

I love them... TO RUN OVER!!!

CT Limo driver, breaking a long silence: I love dogs!

--I-95 North

And it's jerkin off to it!!

Middle-aged airport worker to another, both pushing empty wheelchairs: Don't do that! They can see you! See that camera right there? It can see you doing that!

--Seattle-Tacoma Airport

...and first degree murders.

50-something woman walking dog, to friend: Yeah, and then Jimmy put me on his plan.
Friend: That's great.
Woman: My family has never had anything but amicable divorces.


--High St.

Today's WORD: "Wrong"

Foreign grad student: Over break I saw the show of that French guy.

Class: Who?

Foreign grad student: That guy who we watched in class before break.

Class: Steven Colbert?! (roaring laugher)

--Anthro Class

To you...it's the new JCrew catalog.

Gay Guy: Is "March Madness" basketball?


--Charlottesville, VA

It's toats cute.

Guy: There's something stuck in your ass.
Girl: It's my thong.
Guy: No...it's toilet paper flecks.


--PO

"And these are a few of my favorite things!"

Yale Girl: I'm not a pothead. I'm just ethnic.


--HI

Actually I'd prefer the former right now.

French Woman: You call it...a cock?
Yale Girl: A wine opener?
French Woman: Oh yes. Very good.


--Seaside Hotel

I'd wait and tip the angry butt monkeys.

Girl: Tip the maid? Yeah...OK. And monkeys might fly out my butt.


--Kona, HI

Then I can show her my Pokemans!!

Awkward 11-year-old boy (loudly): I hope a TEENAGE girl can sit next to me!



--Amtrak leaving DC

Titties are not to be spoken of!

Not-So-Little Girl: I'm glad I have a flat chest!
Mother: Shhhh!


--Amtrack leaving DC

You are the sunshine of my FOOT UP YOUR ASS!

Guy: Doesn't it seem a little cruel, putting Marlee Matlin on "Dancing with the Stars"?
Girl: I know. Deaf people are obviously terrible dancers. Just look at Stevie Wonder.


--Chicago

By "person" I mean "hermaphrodite"

Guy: Is she a lesbian?
Girl: I think she's just an art history person.


--Claire's