Now make me call you "Mommy"!

Drunk Guy: Show your tits! Show your tits!
Drunk Girl: I'll show you my panties! (Shows panties)
Drunk Guy: ...Show your butt hole!


--Whalley

Except now there's less chafing.

Guy 1: Hey, I just started a blog.
Guy 2: Holy crap man, you've posted 6 times on your first day.
Guy 3: Jesus, you're like the little kid who just learned how to jack off.


--Old Campus

Is cheese a carb?

Girl staring at sign that says "Cheese Calzone": Do these have cheese in them?


--Silliman

To be my dream woman, that's why.

Father, looking at a brass bust: That's a naked lady with no head and no arms and no legs.

4-year-old daughter: Why?

--Yale Art Gallery

Brad always yearns for an "emotional" connection.

Guy: It's hard for me to feel sexually stimulated by someone who doesn't give me head.


--Commons

I'll bet the weird little raccoon could.

(while singing "Colors of the Wind" from Pocahontas)

Girl 1: I bet this song is about sex.
Girl 2: Yeah, John Smith couldn't find the clit.


--Elmhurst

Let's go watch American Psycho. AGAIN!

Guy #1: Yeah rich people doing coke!
Guy #2: That's what Yale's ABOUT!


--High St.

I'd be just like Gary Busey

Girl: If I had a big dick I would go around flashing little girls and peeing on people.
Guys: You can't do that.
Girl: Yeah, but just for a day.


--The Elmhurst

That's a dubious euphemism for "desirable men"

Girl #1: I'm gonna shower.
Girl #2: I feel like I should shower more often.
Girl #1: Don't talk crazy now.
Girl #2: You're right...at least it keeps the witches away.


--Saybrook

Would that make me bi?

Yale guy: So if I was having sex with Jamie Lee Curtis...

--Dport Dining Hall

Reach for the stars, betch.

Yale Girl: I want cantaloupe in melon form.


--The Elmhurst

She even sold me a flower!

Friend from home: I just made out with my first black chick!
Yalie: Oh, how was it?
Friend from home: It was AWESOME!


--Outside Toad's

Michael Scott Goes Back to College

Foreign girl describing life in the States: I don't know... everything here just moves faster and people are always running around. Things come in larger sizes... it's just faster and bigger.
Guy: That's what she said!

- SSS 114

Rihanna: "At least not without a condom."

Guy: You can't fade out at "come into me."


--Silliman

The night Jenny's going-out beauty ritual took a turn for the worst.

Yale Girl #1: Aw, you look so cute in this picture...

Yale Girl #2: Which one?

Yale Girl #1: The one where you look like you're on crack.

--Davenport

Tiger Woods confounds yet again.

Girl: Is he Asian? This black guy?


--Elm St.

A movie franchise jumps the shark.

Girlfriend: You gon' get served, bitch...from the afterlife!


--Elm St.

And whoever did it deserves a Nobel Prize!

Drunk guy: Oh my God, you guys. I think someone put alcohol in that alcohol.


--Freshman Dorm (I assume)

The password... to your mom

8pm text message from unknown number: The password is 'poopsicle.'

Bush's foreign policy takes another misstep.

Guy, loudly: That's what I want to do. I want to fuck a Russian and bury an Asian. That would be ideal.


--Outside GHeav

Never a cause to celebrate.

Guy standing with girl receives a text and screams: MICROPENIS!!!


--Lynwood

Oh THAT explains New Jersey.

Professor's 3-year-old son: All the dinosaurs live in a different state, where people don't live, because if they saw them, they'd be scared.

--Brewester Hall

And it's why I'm hot.

Professor's 3-year-old son: This is the number poop.

--Brewster Hall

And a lot of feathers.

Same Yale Girl: So remember how that one time I woke up with a quesadilla in my bra? On Saturday I had, like, a really drunk night and I woke up with four chicken strips in my purse.


--The Elmhurst

Do bears shit in the Pope's hat?

Foreign Grad student: Is Yale really a big deal in the US?


--Anthro class