How NOT to work through marital issues.

Drunk Guy: There's one thing I regret about this world and it's you!
Drunk Lady: Yeah!
Yale Girl: Um...
Drunk Guy: You're too gorgeous.
Drunk Lady: Hey!

Intercourse induced stupidity

Guy: In the morning we didn't remember each-others names.
Girl: 'Cause you had so much sex!?

At least there's ONE good thing about China.

Guy: The good thing about China is that no one speaks English so the white people can't take over.

That's baby is f-ed either way!

Guy: If you want to save a baby's life punch him right now.

It hides inside my polyester capri pants.

Girl: I've discovered a secret love for Kohls.

I at least can't go before 1am

Girl: I can't go to Toad's. I'm wearing crocs, I don't have my shirt, and I'm wearing someone else's pants.


--Outside Sigma Chi

Retail or wholesale?

Econ Professor about the value of wildlife: What's the price of a bald eagle? What's the price of extra bears?

Hook up seven more times and it'll be like Hanukkah.

A couple is hooking up loudly for several minutes.

Guy: "It's like Christmas!"


--Dport Dive

And the store feels freshly douched after having you inside it.

Guy: I feel so dirty after being in a poor people store.


--Outside the Salvation Army

And eat bran muffins for eternity.

Woman: You can't ticket the Cupcake Truck! You'd, like... go to hell.


--In line for cupcakes at Phelps Gate

I judge the world based on pood personal hygiene

Guy #1: You know the Dark Ages, that might have been the height of civilization.
Guy #2: The DARK AGES?

--Old Campus

So I'm gonna look too cheap to get paid!

Roommate, dressing to go out: I want to get laid tonight, but I don't want to look like I'm getting paid for it.

Then I knew I was blackout because I wanted to marry him.

Girl: I knew I was wasted because I thought he looked really good. Ewwwwwww.


--Trumbull Brunch

By "exciting parts" I mean "titties"

Guy: Pirates is the perfect movie to do homework to. You can do work during the plot and look up for the exciting parts.


--D-Port Dining Hall

This guy deserves a slow clap.

Guy: Anytime someone tells me they identify with Holden Caulfield, I tell them to get the fuck away from me because he's a pathetic douche.


--D-port Dive

Least romantic proposal EVER.

Guy to girl: I have ambition. And I want to spend the next four years of my life proving it to you so we can get married.


--Cross Campus

The conception of a food baby

Girl #1: I just ate two of those doughnut things or whatever they're called.
Girl #2: Bagels?
Girl #1: Yeah.

What ISN'T nowadays.

Guy: What the fuck is an amoeba?


--GHeav

Speak for yourself, Jaime Lee.

Girl: We all have fucking vaginas and fucking balls. I could impregnate my fucking self if I fucking wanted to.


--Gourmet Heaven

Why can't I be Exeter...

Choate/Yale guy: Can I just point out who is at this table right now?" (points) "Choate, Andover, Andover, Groton, Choate aaaaand... public school.
Groton/Yale girl: But I think if he HAD gone to prep school, he'd, like, totally be a St. Paul's boy.
All: Agreed.
Public school/Yale guy: Thanks. (under breath) Fuck you, douchebags.

Jenny's Prince Harry obsession suddenly makes sense.

Yale Girl: Hugo Boss hasn't designed anything attractive since the Nazi uniforms.

Want one?

Yale Alum: Whose horses are these?
Yale Student: I don't know, but I think they're from Newport.
Alum: Oh. I guess they're mine, then.


--Yale-UVA Alumni Polo Match

And then dips them in hummus.

Black Guy #1: Man, he used to get crunk with us on a Saturday like a real man! Now he all vegan and organic and sustainable and shit.
Black Guy #2: Yeah, that's what having a woman does for you. Shrinks your balls.


--Whalley Ave.

Fat like a FOX.

Skinny Townie Guy: You're not fat... you're big-boned.
Townie Woman: NO, I weigh 300 lbs, I'm FAT! (makes raspberry sound)


--Walking to Rudy's

In fact, the professor had be escorted from the building.

Girl: I applied to that college seminar in hip-hop culture by writing, "Ain't nothin' but a g-thang, baby." ...I didn't get in.


--Trumbull