5 years of therapy in one sentence

Gay guy: I was fingering this girl and watching Lilo and Stitch...

Is that still a hate crime?

Gay guy: Can you hold my cigarette? I need to beat a lesbian down.

Yes, in other states they sell beer at CVS. Jealous much?

Gay Guy: Is charging condoms, lube and beer from CVS onto your parents' credit card trashy. Wait, phrasing that answered my own question... Or is that only because I got the big bottle of lube to be COST EFFECTIVE. I die.

It's hard to tell if that's a good thing or not...

Guy: Maybe if you behave I'll make you deerburger tomorrow.

We can tell who wears the Prada in this relatioship.

Gay guy #1: We're such an old married couple,
Gay guy #2: What?
Gay guy #1: Well maybe a young married couple.
Gay guy #2: You think so?
Gay guy #1: Well, more just like the couple in the Devil Wears Prada.
Gay guy #2: Which one of us is Anne Hathaway?
Gay guy #1: You're the one who just got a job!

I don't follow. As opposed to what?

Gay Guy: You're such a man. You're all: Charm. Charm. Charm. Pants off.

Can you remind yourself to shut up?

Guy memorizing monologue: I remind myself of David Sedaris.

It's possible. Isn't it?

Kid: How big are scorpions? Like this big? (holds out hands)
Dad: Some of them are pretty big.
Little Kid #2: Can they kill a tarantula?
Dad: Yeah.
Kid #1: Oh my god!
Kid #2: Can they kill a bear?

Our parents berated us well.

Professor: I looked at your reading responses. It turns out that education is something that most of you know something about. It was nice to finally get one of those topics.


--Yale Law School

And dear God did I feel alive!

Guy: Their urine smelled like sweat and hormones.


--JE Dining Hall

Third favorite thing: Overpriced local/organic food!

Yalie #1: Oh, Blue State. Combining a young liberal's two favorite things: White guilt and coffee. Brilliant, in a horribly misguided way.
Yalie #2: They opened a crack store in a city full of addicts with daddy's money. Surprise, surprise, it's doing well! NOT IMPRESSIVE.

-Wall St.

It's certainly giant. There's no doubt about that.

Girl 1: But I bet it's really sweet!
Girl 2: Fine. When we get home, I'll let you stick your finger in my giant cupcake.


--Trumbull dining hall

Then I want to get a girlfriend so I can get my kicks like a normal person.

Frat guy playing Halo: You know what I want to do? I want to join the Yale pistol club so I can shoot a gun, and then I want to get a job, so I can buy a gun.

A female dictator? Why don't you just go buy some shoes and forget about it.

Girl: I want a job with a lot of power and very little responsibility.... like a dictator...

And I only listen to it while slaying box.

Girl at other table: It's really douchey when you can hear their rap music and all I wanna do is listen to Vivaldi but I can hear it through my headphones.
Guy, after overhearing her: I mean, I like classical music but nothing as trite as that...


--Davenport Dining Hall