And the store feels freshly douched after having you inside it.

Guy: I feel so dirty after being in a poor people store.


--Outside the Salvation Army

And eat bran muffins for eternity.

Woman: You can't ticket the Cupcake Truck! You'd, like... go to hell.


--In line for cupcakes at Phelps Gate

I judge the world based on pood personal hygiene

Guy #1: You know the Dark Ages, that might have been the height of civilization.
Guy #2: The DARK AGES?

--Old Campus

So I'm gonna look too cheap to get paid!

Roommate, dressing to go out: I want to get laid tonight, but I don't want to look like I'm getting paid for it.

Then I knew I was blackout because I wanted to marry him.

Girl: I knew I was wasted because I thought he looked really good. Ewwwwwww.


--Trumbull Brunch

By "exciting parts" I mean "titties"

Guy: Pirates is the perfect movie to do homework to. You can do work during the plot and look up for the exciting parts.


--D-Port Dining Hall

This guy deserves a slow clap.

Guy: Anytime someone tells me they identify with Holden Caulfield, I tell them to get the fuck away from me because he's a pathetic douche.


--D-port Dive

Least romantic proposal EVER.

Guy to girl: I have ambition. And I want to spend the next four years of my life proving it to you so we can get married.


--Cross Campus

The conception of a food baby

Girl #1: I just ate two of those doughnut things or whatever they're called.
Girl #2: Bagels?
Girl #1: Yeah.

What ISN'T nowadays.

Guy: What the fuck is an amoeba?


--GHeav

Speak for yourself, Jaime Lee.

Girl: We all have fucking vaginas and fucking balls. I could impregnate my fucking self if I fucking wanted to.


--Gourmet Heaven